It was
Sid on the phone again with another wonderful scheme to make me rich. Pardon my
sarcasm, but if you knew Sid... Sidney
A. Stein has been my agent for nearly two decades now and I've lost track of
how many sure things he's called me about. He's been living in Hollywood for
too long. He's caught the "deal-maker" virus for sure.
"Hi
Tony, are you ready to make a million bucks?" (That's Sid, always leading
with the greenbacks. He never says, "Hey Tony, do you want to write a
modern classic?")
"Hi
Sid, what's up?"
"I
was talking to Norm up at U.A. and he says that they're looking for a treatment
of an idea that Angelina had! Get this: guys is working in Paris as a sommelier
and meets this beautiful girl. They fall head over heels in love with each other
and then it's the usual formula. You could do it in your sleep!"
I
sighed, "But Sid, I don't want to write screenplays. And I sure don't want
my name on something that looks like it was written in my sleep."
"Tony,
you're too sensitive! Look, how many years has it been since you won that
award? You're losing heat in the biz! Time to punch up your name with a
screenplay that'll make the Academy sit up and take notice! Let's face it
buddy, you could use the cash, am I right?"
I sighed
again because he was right. I could use the cash. But I knew that if I wrote a
popular screenplay that I'd never be considered for any literary award ever
again. Then a wicked thought occurred to
me. It was time to do the worst screenplay humanly possible. Something that even
Hollywood would never make. I smiled.
"I'll
do it Sid."
"Thataboy,
Tony! I'll put together a contract."
I
pondered for about thirty seconds and then wrote the very worst screenplay of
which I was capable. I sent of my
finished product to Sid by email.
I didn't
have to wait long for his reply.
--------------
Notes on
"Just Love Me, Damn It!" -Sidney A. Stein.
1. Do you really want to offend religious people by using a
curse in the title? How about "Just Love Me, For Pete's Sake!" Maybe
you can add a brother or a friend named Pete? (just spit-balling here.) And
maybe the brother could have a rare form of cancer and they could get back
together to save him? Wow! I should
be writing Hollywood scripts!
2. Does your hero have to be called Dirk Manley? You're the
writer but it's kind of almost like a porn name. How about Justin? It's a name
with a lot of heat these days!
3. I'm not sure that your hero should be drunk on absinthe
all the time. How about being drunk on classy French wine only the time when his
heart is broken by his love interest? There's a reason why nobody ever made a
rom-com about the life of Toulouse-Lautrec.
4. Gwendolynne might stretching believability for your
heroine's name. Can I suggest Jennifer?
5. I thought we agreed that the movie was going to be set in
Paris? I'm not sure that most Americans have ever heard of Monteton. My friend,
Maurice, says it means "My Boob." He's kidding right? Let's stick
with Paris or Nice or some city where you can imagine falling in love, right?
Something that makes women feel romantic.
6. I thought we were on the same wavelength with your hero
working as a sommelier? Since when does he work in a butcher shop? Let me tell
you Tony, women do not fall in love with men who hack up carcasses. I can't
believe we have to argue about this. Just make him a sommelier or an artist or
a poet or something classy, ok?
7. Your heroine cannot be a hooker. I know that it worked
with "Pretty Women" but that's because you never saw her actually
turning tricks. And it was Julia Roberts, for the love of mike. Just make her a
journalist or a Cordon-Bleu chef. Something that a woman would actually like to
do themselves.
8. Your notion of having a nudist for your hero's best
friend is not going to work. I know you're thinking about that funny Welsh guy
in Notting Hill but at least he wore underwear. We can't give up a PG rating
for comic relief, Tone.
9. I'm finding the whole "falling in love
sequence" hard to follow. You say that they meet in a monastery when the
hero is considering a life of celibacy. Ok, but what is a hooker doing at a
monastery? This is unclear. I realize that it shows both leads in a sympathetic
light as spiritual seekers but a Cistercian monastery? You do realize that they
observe the law of silence there, don't you? It's simply not believable to have
all of the monks break into a musical number when they meet. I know that the
Sound of Music was a classic with exactly this sort of thing but we're not
making a musical!
10. This whole part where they break up over her attendance
at the Italian Prime Minister's party is not going to go over well with Middle
America, Tony. You can't have an A list actress like Angelina dancing
half-naked in front of a bunch of middle-aged perverts. Just because Fellini
would have made it like that is not a
guarantee that Hollywood would or should for that matter. You realize that
you're making a movie for date nights not stag nights, right?
11. I don't get the part where they get back together after
he crashes his car into her house and
kills all of her clients. I know you're a big fan of Quentin's but
ultra-violence and romantic comedies aren't soup and sandwich, at least, not in
Hollywood.
12. I disagree with your idea of showing the hero as a woman
in disguise. Yes, Shakespeare was famous for stuff like that but it sort of
defeats the idea of a good old American heterosexual romantic comedy. Are we
supposed to enjoy Angelina realizing that she's a lesbian after all?
Now
Tony, I'm sure with a little direction, you can create a modern classic. Get
back to me, buddy!
