The Christmas Hamster

I knew that I would regret it, but when I looked into his beady brown eyes I saw such a naked longing that it about took my breath away. It was as though I could hear him saying, “Save me, Jake! It’s all up to you!”
Oh, please don’t think that I am a sucker to every cute rodent that gives me the Bambi eyes; I am tough, masculine and I don’t worship at the shrine of cuteness. Japanese pop culture, with its wide-eyed anime, gives me the willies. Give me a fishing rod, a stallion to break and a cold beer after a game of football and all is right with my world. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit but nobody would ever call me a girly man. Maybe my brother would, but consider the source: Chuck is an ex-Marine, ex-football captain and general all-conference hard-ass. He thinks it’s sissy to use a bottle opener when you can just as easily chew it off with your teeth. Daddy raised us tough in this hard scrabble land.
So why was I even considering the rodent? The truth is: my kids make me. You talk about Bambi eyes. They all three of them came to me and said, “Oh Daddy, if we had a hamster, we would love it, and take good care of it, and it would really be no problem, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.” You can’t hear those squeaky voices with those big blue eyes dialled on full Daddy laser without feeling a tug. It sure didn’t help that Alice was in on it either. “It’s just a hamster, Jake. At least you won’t have to take it for walks.”
So, call me a sucker if you want, but you would have had to be superhuman to turn down those four. Here I was at McCardell’s Pets, checking out the critters. Along comes McCardell himself and sizes up the situation pretty quickly. “He’s cute, isn’t he, Jake?” I mumbled something noncommittal and he wraps a meaty arm around my shoulder and starts massaging. “He’s pretty cheap, you know...”
And just like that, I’m walking down Main with a cage and a hamster called Louie. You can’t miss me; I’m the guys with the burning cheeks, hoping that I can get the rodent home before one of my buddies spot me. No such luck; out of Bud’s comes the shambling figure of my old wingman Steve.
“Heya, Jake!”
“Heya, Steve. Kinda early to be drinkin’, isn’t it?”(Best defence is a good offense, as Coach Myer used to say.)
“Aw Jake, you’re sho boring when you’re shober! Hey, whatchoo gothere?” (So much for my best defence.)
“Nothin’, Steve. Hey, does Wanda know you’re tying one on?”
And suddenly, Steve bursts in tears, snot bubbling out of his huge honker.
“She lef’ me, Jake. Wan’a lef’ me!”
“Whoa Steve, just settle down. Take a deep breath and talk to me.” I gave him a few tentative pats on the back so he could get his breath back. He took a deep breath and rubbed the snot over the rest of his red face.
“Now, Wanda left you? Why would she do that?”
“She shays I’m an alcoholic and I need to get into a Twelve Step program or she won’t come home!”
I was staggered. I mean, I know Steve loves a beer every now and again, but an alcoholic? I didn’t know what to say to him. Suddenly, this thought pops into my head. “Tell him to try the A.A. meeting over in Buckley at St. Mike’s.”
So I told him about the meeting at St. Mike’s and he gave me a slobbery hug and told me that I was “the beshtes’ frien’ ever.” He staggered off, leaving me with the question, how the heck did I know about the A.A. meeting? I could hear the hamster rattling in his cage and I hurried out of the cold into my truck.
Out here, you need a truck and chains. It snows and snows, waits a minute and then snows so more. My cousin out in Seattle likes to send me emails about how warm and green it is out there this time of year. I like to ask him if he misses White Christmases, which usually shuts him up. I fired up the truck and headed for our spread up Sunshine Road.
Now when I say ‘spread’, don’t the idea that I am some kind of rancher like Daddy was. I’m purely a weekend farmer with a few head of cattle and a little seed corn. But I do like having elbow room and living out of the town. I’m a country boy.
I parked in front of the shed and hustled the little package into my office. Yeah, I said ‘office’; although my wife likes to call it the ‘cave’, like it’s a place for gnawing bones and breaking wind. I set the package on my desk and left to brew some coffee. I raided the cookie jar because I’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth, or ‘several sweet teeth’ according to Alice. She watches me like a hawk, always reminding me to floss. You’ll note that I said ‘reminding’ not ‘nagging’, right?
I brought my coffee into the office and took the wrapping off of the cage. The varmint just sat there looking at me with those little eyes. I made sure that he had some fresh water and added some seeds to his dish. I ambled over to my easy chair and picked up my paper.
Wars and rumours of war, like the Good Book says. I flipped to the sports section to find out if the columnists figured the football season was redeemable. 3 and 8 was not very pretty. Maybe the new quarterback would find his stride soon. Maybe chickens would fly to the moon.
A thought popped in my head, I hadn’t spent any time with my kids yet this weekend. Well, there was time for that later. Kids need to get at least four hours of cartoons on a Saturday morning. But then my brain starting to argue with me. They grow up before you know it, I thought. How old was Bruce now? Eight? Pretty soon, he’d be old enough to take trapping.
I went to the rec room and there were three pairs of eyes glued on the antics of some green clown with buggy eyes on the t.v.
“Hey kids! Who wants to go outside and make a snowman?” Six eyes stayed focused on the t.v. and assorted mumbles emerged from three mouths. “We’re watching Count Dizzy, Daddy! Maybe later...” Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I thought shrugging my shoulders. I didn’t even see Alice standing in the doorway.
“Okay kids, everybody up and at it! Boots, coats, scarves and mittens! Your Daddy has a hankering for some fresh air and snowman-building! Let’s go!”
Women amaze me. With two sentences she had those three dressed and outside in less than two minutes. I wish I knew her secret.
We made snowmen for the two boys and then a snow princess for my own little princess. You can tell them apart because the snow princess has a pointy hat. I know it looks a lot like a dunce cap (which the boys made sure to point out) but Kristin was so happy she was positively glowing.
“Make snow angels!” the thought popped in my head. It was a dumb idea but the kids were all excited and red-cheeked, so I did it anyway, fool though I might be. They all jumped down with me and together we made a herd of angels, a stampede of the heavenly host. And then it was inside to fill up on hot chocolate and marshmallows. I went back to my office feeling as light as a feather. God, I loved my kids. I don’t know why I spend so little time with them. I picked up the cage and peered at the hamster. Louie stared right back at me.
“I kinda love my kids,” I said, full of beans.
“I know,” he said. “You just don’t always think of how you can show it to them.”
I dropped the cage.
=====
My heart pounded as I poured myself a quick shot in the kitchen. It was only my imagination, it was only my wild imagination. Hamsters don’t talk! Just calm down, Jake! I took a deep breath and tried to relax. Clearly I was under some substantial strain that I was unaware of, right?
“Jake! What are you doing with whiskey at lunchtime?” Alice bustled in with a tray of sandwiches.
“You would drink too!” I muttered.
“What’s the matter?”
“I’m cracking up...”
“Oh Jake!” she said, ruffling my thinning hair. “Quit goofing around.”
I shrugged and tiptoed back to my office.
He was sitting calmly in his cage which had fallen on its side.
“So Louie, you can talk?” The hamster just got up on his haunches and looked at me with those bright eyes. I laughed nervously, glad that I’d said nothing to Alice.
I picked up the cage and put it on my desk. I opened my laptop and started playing “Angry Birds.” Several hours later, it occurred to me that I was hungry. And then I thought, I should really do something special for the mother of my children, like maybe take her out to the DQ or something. When was the last time we went on a real date? Maybe I should do it right and take her to the nice place out in Birch Creek?
Well, we had a great time. Why didn’t we do this more often? I drove the sitter home and went to my office to turn off the laptop.
The hamster looked at me and put his paws up on the cage.
“You wanna get out, Louie?” I picked him up and gave his head a pat.
“You know, Louie, I had a great time. I should take Alice out more often. What do you think?” Do hamsters smile? Because, if they do, this one was beaming. I tickled his ears because dogs like it so why shouldn’t hamsters?
“You know, when you do that, it’s kind of irritating,” said Louie. I didn’t drop him because this time I was frozen with shock. I slumped into my armchair still clutching the hamster.
“You really can talk, Louie?”
“Please, my name’s not Louie. I am the angel Timaes.”
“I must be drunk,” I whimpered.
“On two glasses of Merlot? I highly doubt it,” he said, his little nose wrinkling up.
“You know what I drank tonight?”
“Did you miss the part where I said I was an angel?”
“Why would an angel come to my house?”
“To help you.”
“To help me do what? Do I have a Quest or something?”
“You’re already beginning your quest and that’s all I’ll say about it.”
My mind raced; God had big plans for me. Maybe, it was to be President or something, or to be an apostle or a missionary to Hollywood or something. The hamster just sighed as it read my thoughts.
“Why do you think that a quest has to be so grandiose?” he asked. “What if God just wants you to be a better father and husband?”
My bubble popped and went shooting around the room. “That’s my quest? God sends me an angel so I’ll be a better Dad and Husband?”
“You went to Bible School, didn’t you Jake?” asked the hamster.
“I had a couple semesters,” I admitted. They booted me out for missing chapel too often.
“Do you remember what it says in Luke about John the Baptist?”
“Um...”
“In fact, they read this passage at church last Sunday, and your pastor preached a sermon about John, didn’t he?”
“Aw Louie, I guess my mind was on the Bronco’s. I must have missed it.”
“It says that John the Baptist would prepare a way for the coming of Jesus. You do remember Jesus, don’t you Jake?” Now he was just being sarcastic.
“Course, I remember Jesus...” I muttered.
“John was to come in the power and wisdom of Elijah...”
“...to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children.” I finished. I must have been paying a little bit of attention last Sunday.
“Exactly,” said the hamster. “I am here to turn your heart back to your children and your wife.”
“My heart is not turned away from my kids,” I protested.
“In the last year, of your eight thousand odd hours, you spent nearly a thousand on your laptop surfing and playing games. On the other hand, you spent only sixty with your children. That’s roughly ten minutes a day. You spent more time playing Angry Birds.”
“Ouch.” I said rubbing the remnants of my hair. “Are you serious?”
“Oh, our record-keeping is most accurate,” said the hamster.
“What do I do?” I asked.
“You need to show fruits of repentance,” said the hamster. “Am I being clear?”
“Fruits?”
“You remember what John the Baptist said? ‘Those who steal must steal no longer.’ You have stolen from your family and now you must restore what you owe.”
“That’s a lot of hours to make up,” I said. “How am I going to do it?”
“Not to be a Luddite, but have you ever thought of turning off your laptop?”
I turned off the laptop, which beeped sadly as it said ‘sayonara’. “Level with me Louie; is there any hope for me, or have I botched it?”
“Psht,” spat the hamster. “Don’t be foolish. It is never too late! But don’t worry, I will stick with you in this and I won’t leave until my task is done.”
“Because then you’ll have earned your wings?” I said brightly.
“You watch entirely too much television!” grumbled the hamster.
=============
I know I watch too much t.v., but I changed my ways. Instead of holing up in my office, I spent time in the rec room doing what my kids were doing. I hung out in the kitchen, actually helping my wife clean up and such. I know I did kind of a crappy job of cleaning, but Alice smiles anyway.
=========
“What is it Daddy,” asked my little princess.
“It’s a present for all the kids,” I said. “But this year, the youngest gets to open it.”
“No fair!” whined her brothers from under a pile of torn wrapping paper and toys.
She tore off all of the wrapping paper and pulled out the cage. “It’s a dead hamster!” she sobbed. “Daddy, it’s a dead hamster!”
I smiled.

Klepto

Your Honour, I wish to deny all of the charges brought against me. They are absolutely untrue, or at least highly misleading.
Please examine my Portfolio, your Honour. Am I not fully normal? I have none of the Traits, none at all. Just look at my Evaluation. The People’s Collective Wisdom doesn’t make mistakes. It’s science. My eyes have just the right degree of spacing to indicate normal brain function; my teeth are regular, white and cavity-free, and just look at my x-ray. Note the absolutely typical spinal formation.
What’s that? My PsychoSexual scan? You know, I must have misplaced it, but I can assure you that it was as regular as pie. Hetero-Extrov-Aggresso: well within the SafeHappy Parameters.
I know it looks bad on the surface but there is an explanation. Let me tell you the whole story.
I woke up last Saturday full of joy and ready for another great day. I took my FullLife vitamin supplement, ate a ProteinPlus RealMeal from the dispensary and took the bus into town for some rest and recreation. That’s when I allegedly deviated from the Norm. Your report will indicate that I stole a briefcase from a man on the bus but nothing could be further from what really happened.
I saw the man sitting at the back of the bus, massaging a tablet and reading today’s Truthlines. His briefcase was taking up the only remaining seat on the bus. Being an Extrov-Agresso, I have been awarded a Leeway for occasional confrontation within the Guidelines, as you will have read. I told the man that he was required to remove his case. The man, a florid, heavyset individual, pretended not to hear me but continued to tickle his tablet. I remembered my GentleLessons from second form and attempted a reasonably accurate tightening of my cheek muscles to mimic a smile and tried again.
“Citizen and friend,” I said. “You are over utilizing the scant resources of this bus. Kindly remove your case.” I said this in muted tones with my hands held out in a placating gesture. I did everything by the book but the red-faced man chose to ignore me. I considered a violent response but I knew that I would be in violation of the Guidelines so I changed tack. I took his briefcase and ran off of the bus with it, thus liberating the seat unlawfully taken by the briefcase.
Your Honour, I declare to you that I am innocent of AntiSocial actions. I did not steal the florid man’s briefcase; I attempted to heighten his appreciation of his own shortcomings. Pardon me? Yes, it is true that I attempted to sell the briefcase and its contents to a second party, but in my defence, I was wholly prepared to donate the proceeds to the PeoplesCharity. As I have already said, my actions might be construed as being impulsive but my intention was completely ProSocial. The florid man had to be taught a lesson in civility.
Oh, your Honour, the PeoplesProsecutor is not presenting me in a very good light. I realize that I was apprehended with the proceeds from the sale of the briefcase at the HopeLucky Track but my intention was to parlay the sale into an exceedingly generous contribution to the PeoplesCharity. The governing body clearly recognizes the healthiness of the HopeLucky Track otherwise it would not have been permitted, so I am at a loss as to...Pardon me? Rationalizing? I’m not sure what you mean by the word, Your Honour. I am merely attempting to explain my actions in the clearest light...Yes, yes. I will sit down now. Yes.
======
I hate the ModCenter. You would think by now that I would be used to it but every time is worse than the time before. They sent me in to see a BehaviorProbe and have my levels tested on entering. Big surprise: my adrenals were off the chart and my theta’s didn’t even register. They immediately shot me full of Relaxos and I slept like a baby.
I woke up an hour ago, ate a MoreFibre RealMeal and went in to see the Happiness Counsellor. Her name was Doctor Laura and she spoke with a very soothing voice. I have noticed that the Counsellors are always females of late breeding age. I believe that the thinking is that they will stir latent maternal-child responses. I know that I always feel guilty when I talk to one of them.
“Now John, would you say that you were happy at the time of your last offence?” she asked, her tablet open on her knee.
‘I was very happy, Dr. Laura,” I responded, a big smile on my face.
“And yet, you broke the Guidelines,” she said with a little frown puckering the corner of her mouth. “Were you taking your meds?”
“I may have forgotten,” I said mildly.
“This is your fifth offense, John.”
“I know, but there were extenuating...”
“Please John, we are friends, are we not?” Her eyes became less maternal and more frank.
I did not know how to respond to this; she was not a friend, she was a Counsellor for the State. I could see that she was expecting a positive response so I nodded.
“I am going to have to tell you, as your friend, that the Guidelines recommend a StrongerCourse.” My mouth went slack and my eyes widened. I had heard that the StrongerCourse was more about punishment than rehabilitation. It was the equivalent of the State saying, “We have done the best we can.”
“You can’t be serious Dr. Laura!” I protested. “I am your friend! You must not allow them to put me through the StrongerCourse!”
“I am your friend,” she affirmed. “But you are not cooperating with our treatment. You are refusing to take your meds. My hands are tied.” Her face was frozen and unyielding. This was not the Dr. Laura that I had counted on. She got to her feet and left the room and then they came for me.
=====
The StrongerCourse Complex is nothing like the ModCenter. It is made entirely of brick and the windows are barred. There are no soothing counsellors but rather Elderbrothers who attend us with electroshock canes and SolemnReflection cells. My cell partner was a squat man named Lindale. He grimaced at my ingratiating smile and ignored my outstretched hand.
“We don’t do that in here,” he said gruffly. I dropped my hand and wiped my face clean. What were the protocols here?
“Sorry, Youngerbrother,” I said.
“I’m not your bloody Youngerbrother, you can just forgot that shit they taught you on the outside. This is the real world, mate.”
“What are the protocols?” I asked.
“Survival,” he said. “And stay well clear of the Elderbrothers! Sadists, every one of them. Break the rules and you’re liable for electroshock and that’s no day in the park. He stooped down and showed me the burns on his scalp. “I was a slow learner,” he said grimly.
“How long have you been in here?” I asked.
“Ten years.”
“When do you get out?”
“You don’t. Leastways, I never knew anybody who got healed here.” He said the word with an ironic tone.
“The Guidelines say that rehabilitation is the goal of all Correction,” I said.
“You can forget that shit here,” he snorted. “This is the jungle, mate. Survival of the fittest.”
We went into breakfast together, picking up plastic trays and setting them before a scowling fellow who spooned a grey gelatinous mush onto our chipped plates. It did not look like a Realmeal and I raised an eyebrow at Lindale. He shook his head impatiently so I bowed and took my food to a long table. We joined several other men who were already deep into the hideous food, smacking and slobbering like a pack of hounds. I shuddered.
It tasted as bad as it looked.
====
We stood at attention outside of our cell while an Elderbrother with a clipboard was calling out names for work detail. I was put in a group of men and we were taken to the State Forest to gather branches for grinding into pulp. Before going out each man had to kneel in front of our Elderbrother and submit to having a button pierce his ear. We were told that the button was our invisible leash. While we were in the Forest it acted as a GPS device and if we left the Forest it would create a cerebral storm which would kill us. He smiled grimly and wished us a good day.
I was led to a line-lined path, given a wheelbarrow and told to fill it with smaller branches. I walked down the path and threw branches in. My brain was racing. Was there a way to escape? I pushed my barrow and thought. It seemed quite hopeless. I worked through the morning and afternoon.
Night was beginning to fall as I reached the end of the path. Nobody had mentioned where to go at this point. Did I press on? Which way? Left or right? Something inside me called out, “Run!” So, without thinking, I ran with all my strength, even though the button on my ear was starting to hum in a most disconcerting manner. After some time, I noticed what seemed to be a glimmering just ahead. Why not, I thought.
I found myself in front of a small cabin. I knocked at the door.
“I’m coming,” I heard a man’s voice answer. The door opened and an elderly man stood before me. He was dressed in a dark brown robe made of some curious fibre.
“Ah, a Youngerbrother!” he said smiling at me. “You are escaping?”
“They told me that escape was futile,” I said. “I don’t know why I ran.”
“Your heart was wiser than your head,” he said. “Come into my workshop and I will redefine ‘futile’ for you.” He guided me to a workbench and told me to sit. He lifted a magnifying glass to my earlobe and examined the button. “Ah, an M-230. I have just the thing for it. Lucky for you that I live within the bounds of the prison territory, otherwise this thing could give you quite a headache.” He rummaged in a drawer and pulled out a slender black box. He held it up to the button and abruptly the button stopped humming and fell out of my ear into his hand. He tossed it to the floor and ground it beneath his heel.
“All is well,” he said. “Now come and we will have some pottage.”
Pottage turned out to be a stew of wonderful texture and flavour. I had never eaten anything so fragrant and rich.
“It’s good isn’t it?”smiled the old man. “Nothing in my pottage is synthesized or extracted. It is the food the God has given us.”
“It is remarkable,” I agreed holding out my bowl for another helping.
“I have no wine,” he said, scooping out the pottage. “Do you have a taste for some ale?” I shrugged my shoulders and he left for his larder. He came back with foaming mugs filled with dark liquid. I tasted it delicately and immediately swallowed so deeply that I began to cough. It was magical and made me feel like the first time I’d taken the blue meds. I was filled with joy.
“Slow down, slow down,” laughed the hermit. “It is quite strong, you know.”
We sat in front of a fire while the hermit took out a wooden appliance and began tamping a brown substance into the bowl. He took a burning stick from the fire and soon fragrant smoke filled the air around his head. I could not imagine what he was doing but it almost looked as though he was sucking in smoke from the appliance in order to blow little clouds of it from his nostrils. Odd.
“Now that we have eaten and drunk, let us further enjoy ourselves with speech,” he suggested. “I will suggest a topic that we can discuss and we will see if we can come to a meeting of the minds. The Greeks called it a symposium.”
“What shall we discuss?” I asked.
“Freedom,” he smiled. “A very apt subject for one who until recently has been a Youngerbrother.”
“What is freedom?” I asked.
“A pertinent question,” he nodded, blowing smoke from his mouth. “Are you free now?”
“I am,” I nodded. “Now that my button has been removed, I am free.”
“No man is free,” he said. “We simply do not see the chains that bind us. We act out of fear, hatred, impulse, and compulsion to do things we would rather not. We are more machine than flesh, I fear.”
“The Guidelines say that that obedience is freedom,” I said.
“That depends on whom you obey,” he said, blowing smoke.
“Our first obedience is to the State,” I said.
“Do you think so?” he asked. “Youngerbrothers usually do not view it that way.”
“It is true that I find myself in violation of the Guidelines,” I said. “But, surely that is my weakness at work, my failure to be a perfect citizen.”
“You must be right,” he said, in a tone that suggested that he thought otherwise.
“How do you see the matter?” I pressed.
“Freedom is a creature that dwells within,” he said. “Most of us make the assumption that if we appear to be free that we must be. Perhaps the fact that you are unable to fully obey the Guidelines means that you are freer than most of your fellows. Tell me about the meds they give you.”
“The meds merely make me calm!” I protested. “But, what you are saying cannot be true. The Guidelines are our mother and father, our life pattern!” Surely such a truth was self evident, I thought.
“You must have been a good student in the State school,” he said, sucking on the appliance so that his face was lit up by its glow.
“I was Worthy2ndTier in my final year,” I said proudly. “Top marks for citizenship and social awareness.”
“And yet, here you are, on the run from the State and a violator of the Guidelines.” He tamped his appliance into the fire. “Something is wrong with this picture.”
“It’s me,” I said. “I’m what’s wrong! If only I had remembered to take my meds!”
“I am upsetting you,” he said mildly. “Perhaps it is time to sleep?”
He fell asleep in his chair in front of the fire and I considered all that he had said. The man must be mad to question the self-evident truth. It was then that I saw a little golden cross hanging from a golden chain by his fire. What a lovely piece. It glittered like the sun on water.
====
I had also fallen asleep in my chair and I woke to the sound of the hermit clattering around in the next room. I could smell something otherworldly cooking and my mouth watered. It was a smoky smell, sweet and only slightly acrid. I stumbled into a room in which a large iron contraption dwarfed everything else. In the centre of a large iron pan, the hermit was cooking brown tubes which crackled and jumped. I thought I would die of pleasure.
“Sit you down, Brother,” he said. “Sausages in ten seconds.”
We sat together and he told me about his past and his youth in a land called Russia. I was intrigued to hear about his years in what he called a monastery but most of what he described was difficult to understand.
“Enough of me,” he said. “Let us speak of your future.”
“I cannot imagine my future,” I said. “I cannot go back to the State...”
“You must not,” he said. “You must take the Freedom Road to Canaan.”
“I don't know what that means,” I said.
“I will send you to Marta; she will know what you must do,” he said. “Come I've packed you some food!” We walked out to the trail and he gave me instructions to get to her house. He also gave me a capacious coat to cover my bright red uniform. He did not give me the little gold cross that I’d noticed and put in my pocket.
==
Marta's stone house was a day's walk down the trail. It was twilight when I arrived, tired and thirsty. I thumped the doorknocker and waited. The door opened and bright blue eyes glittered at me.
“Who are you, young man and what is your business with me?” I detected the refined English of a foreign learner.
“I am a Youngerbrother fleeing the State,” I said, opening my coat to show her the red of my uniform. “The hermit who lives in the forest said that you might help me find the Freedom Road.”
“How does Father Sergei imagine that I could do this for you?” she asked, her lips pressed tightly together.
“I don't know,” I said.
“Well, come in. I will give you a meal and a bed.” I went in. I saw a room that was filled with photographs in silver frames. Everyone looked like they were from another time; bearded men in uniforms, girls in long dresses with their hair tied up in bows, horses and dogs, pigs and chickens.
“You like?” she asked noticing my interest. “Old country, old ways. Now everything is new and cheap and ugly.” She sniffed with hauteur. “You would like tea perhaps?”
“Tea?” Presumably something Russian, I thought.
“Sit down. I will make some!” I sat down in a capacious leather armchair and peeked at the books on a small table beside me. I saw a leather book, The Brothers something or other by a Russian writer and an old picture book, “Imperial Russia.” I riffled through its pages: more soldiers, proud-looking women with flashing eyes, and black bearded monks clad in dark robes.
“It was another world,” she said, seeing the book in my hands. She bore a large tray with a silver pot and china cups. She poured an amber stream through a silver strainer into the cups. Then in went a dollop of a red shiny substance which looked like a gel.
“If you like old ways; this is how we drank tea when I was a little girl.”
It was surprisingly good.
“So you are a Youngerbrother? What is your name?” she asked when she'd finished her tea.
“My name is John.”
“My older brother was named Ivan,” she said, her face softening ever so slightly. “Why are you fleeing the State? Not that any sane man would not,” she added.
“I tend to steal things,” I confessed.
“You are poor?” she asked.
“I take things but I don't know why. I had forgotten to take my meds.”
“The State makes you sick,” she said. “They wash your brains. Maybe it is a mark of sanity to rebel against it all.”
I shook my head. What she was saying went against everything I believed to be true. Was the State not our father and mother? Were we not its beloved children?
Dinner with Marta proved to be beyond words to describe. She made a red pottage of some sort of vegetable which she called borscht and poured a red fluid that she called wine. I felt like I was immersed in a russet glow. After we had eaten, she poured more tea and she spoke of her girlhood in Russia and the persecution of her people by the government.
“You can see why I fled Mother Russia,” she said. “But your State is even worse. Your police are like Ivan the Terrible’s oprichniki only with computers and cameras. There is no privacy and no freedom. A man cannot read the books of his choice or believe in his father's God.”
“I was taught that the State is our mother and our father and all that we need for happiness,” I murmured.
“What kind of a mother does not let her children grow to maturity? What kind of a father keeps his child in perpetual infancy?” she said. “The State allows no freedom,” she said grimly.
“Freedom is obedience,” I quoted, curious as to what she would say.
“That is like saying ‘Stupidity is intelligence,’” she said tartly. “Freedom is the opportunity to choose. It is a matter of spirit, not flesh. You cannot tell a man, ‘I will set you free, brother! But, here, first put these chains on!’”
“When you say ‘freedom is a matter of spirit’, what do you mean?” I asked.
“There was once a man of God who was told by the authorities to bind his lips and not speak of the Almighty. He refused, saying that obedience to God was more important than obeying the State. For his stiff neck, he was taken to prison and chained between two guards. This did not stop him from speaking about God, in fact, his conversation with his captors, a captive audience, if you will, was all about God. There was never so free a man as this prisoner.”
“I’m not sure what your point is,” I said.
“You do not see?” she sighed. “You have lived too long in slavery, John. Freedom for the man of God was not in his circumstances. His spirit was so free that he was full of joy, even in his chains. This is what true freedom means.”
“I am free now,” I suggested tentatively.
“You carry your chains with you,” she said tartly. “Consider this: you steal for no reason and do a thousand things for no better reason than you learned to do them in your State’s school. Until recently, you were kept in line by drugs. You are only now starting to consider what freedom really means.” She got out of her chair and placed an elegant hand on my shoulder. “But sleep now, John. Tomorrow I will set you on the road to Canaan.”
===
We rose early. Marta made me a substantial breakfast and packed food for a long journey. She explained that Canaan was a long walk and suggested that I stay close to a stream that ran down from the distant mountains to the west. It was there that I would find Canaan and freedom. She also told me that if I needed a place to stay that I should visit her nephew Piotr who lived two days travel along the stream. She accepted my grateful thanks with an imperial nod and just the ghost of a smile.
I settled by provisions in a rucksack and slid it to my shoulder. In my pocket, I could feel the pressure of a small picture frame that I could not resist. I walked to the stream and headed for the north and whatever freedom might be.
====
I saw smoke in the sky before I saw Piotr’s house. It was a ramshackle affair, as was Piotr himself. Never have I met a man who was so indifferent to personal grooming. In his thick brown beard I saw signs of his last few meals.
He met me at the door with a cry of joy and a huge hug. He was more grizzly than human.
“Any friend of Marta’s is a friend of mine,” he assured me, massaging my shoulder with his massive hand. “You look like you’re starving!” Indeed, I was at the end of my food and eager to dine with a man who knew how to eat.
We sat down to a roast that he assured me was once a great feathered bird. It sounded wildly unlikely but to my amazement, I found it quite succulent. I ate like a starving man which earned me the approval of Piotr. He actually stopped shovelling food into his own mouth to watch me. I poured me a glass of clear liquid which I took to be water. I swallowed rapidly and spewed the flaming liquid over the remains of my bird.
“Aha!” he laughed. “Vodka does not agree with you?”
I gasped and shook my head no. “I thought it was water,” I finally got out, tears streaming from my eyes.
“It is water, the water of life. Long life!” he toasted and threw back his glass. I smiled weakly, raised my glass and tried a tentative drink. It burned going down but I didn’t shame myself a second time.
“Now you are a real man,” he laughed. He brought out a cake of sorts and cut us both thick slices. It was filled with little chunks of matter, all the colours of the rainbow. I looked doubtful and he laughed again.
“Little pieces of fruit,” he said. “Go on, you will love it!” And love it, I did.
He pulled me to a comfortable chair in front of a roaring fire and together we sat and digested our feast. I looked around the room and immediately I was struck by a lovely statuette made of a whitish substance which glowed in the light of the fire. He noticed my gaze and picked it up.
“It is a Pieta, carved by an unknown sculptor,” he said proudly. “It was from my father’s estate. Look at the face of the Madonna! Such tenderness and understanding! This sculptor, whoever he was, had a loving mother.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“My dear fellow, the artist creates what he knows. This artist knew a woman of great compassion and maternal feelings. I like to think it was his own mother.”
“I never knew my mother,” I said, yearning for the Pieta with every longing of my heart.
“The State was your mother,” he paraphrased sadly. I said nothing. Time passed in the glow of the fire.
“Tell me about Canaan,” I said eventually.
“It is a place that they who fled the control of the State created. It is a place where fear and control are eschewed and men and women can be free to rule themselves.”
“I cannot picture such a place,” I said. “How can such a society work? What would they do with a broken man like me?”
“How are you broken?” he asked gently.
“I steal things for no reason,” I said my face burning with shame. I took the cross and picture frame from my pocket and set them in his lap. “Look! I stole these things from people who were only kind to me! I am broken.”
“Don’t say ‘broken’,” urged Piotr. “Say ‘a little bent’ instead. Why do you steal?”
“I don’t know. I see something and I long for it. It fills my mind until the only relief I can get is to take it.”
“How horrible for you!”
“At least when I lived in the State, they gave me meds to curtail my impulses.”
“Ah yes, the chemical control,” he said heavily. “It works when you take it.”
“Mostly,” I said. “So, you see, they will never let me into Canaan. I cannot live without strong controls.” My heart was a heavy lump of rock in my breast.
“So for you, there is no freedom?” he said.
“How can there be?”
He lifted up the Pieta and held it up to the light so that it reflected into my eyes. “You see the baby clinging to his mother. What if freedom was choosing to give your heart to someone bigger and stronger for safekeeping?”
“You are speaking of the State?” I asked.
“Bigger, stronger and loving,” he amended.
“You are speaking in riddles,” I protested.
“Am I? Ah well, I am content to sleep now.” So saying he shambled off to bed to leave me gazing at the lovely statuette. At once, the sharp, salt edge of desire rose in my heart. To take the Pieta was a longing like thirst in the desert. I could think of nothing but lifting it in my hands and putting it in my pocket. It would be mine and my hunger would be slaked for a little while, another little while. I tried to turn my back on the mother and child and compose my body for sleep but it was like a piece of meat stuck in my teeth that I could not ignore. I got out of the bed and looked at it again. How it shone in the fading firelight!
The face of the woman was calm as though the child was the only thing in her universe. The child was also calmly beholding his mother. What would it be like to be so calm, so relaxed, so focused and yet so at rest? There was no strain on the two faces, just a connection that went beyond time and space. Somehow just looking at the two made my heart stop racing and I was breathing easier again. I thought that maybe I could put the piece down and sleep.
===
I could see the walls of Canaan ahead of me in the distance. I reached in my pack to find a fruit. To my surprise, I pulled out a small package wrapped in brown paper. A note was tied to the package. I read:
Brother John,
After much prayer, I am giving you a gift that will remind you never to give up and always to pursue true freedom.
I unwrapped the package. It was the Pieta.

Lily Pad Boy

These are the lies my father told me: that when he first saw me, I was lying on a lily-pad, perfectly naked and crying; that I had golden skin which faded when he removed me from my floating cradle; and that perhaps I am not really fully human. I had always believed my father until the day I played with the boy who lives in the next land-holding.
We were catching frogs in the rushes and talking about everything and nothing as boys will when not supervised. I told him about my earliest days and how my father found me. He looked at me like I was attempting a joke but had forgotten the punch line.
“Let me get this straight,” he said finally. “You were born on a lily pad?”
My ears burned red because his voice clearly indicated the impossibility of such a thing. I shrugged.
“Don’t you even know where babies come from?” he asked.
I shrugged again.
“Babies don’t just appear; they come out of a mother.”
“How?”
“They grow in their bellies and fall out of there,” he said proud of his specific knowledge. I was ashamed and wanted to run home to cry. My lip trembled and then I was angry.
“My father wouldn’t lie to me!”
“My father says that your father is nothing but a drunken shepherd! Why do you think the villagers call him ‘Red Nose’?”
I hit him then and he ran home crying. I ran home too. I needed to ask my father the truth.
I found him with our flock high in the common fields. He was playing a reed and making the kind of noises on it that sound like bodily eruptions.
“Hoy, my boy!” he shouted. “What brings you here?”
Through my tears, I blurted out all that the neighbour boy had said, except for the villager’s opinion of my foster father.
He smiled warmly and rubbed the tears from my eyes. “Never once have I lied to you, my boy. It is all true.”
“Do I have a mother?”
“Every creature has a mother,” he said simply.
“Where is mine and who is she?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “All I can tell you is that I found you over yonder hill where I once drove my flock for winter feeding. There is a pool full of lily pads in the center of a glade. That is where I found you.”
That night, while my father snored, I came to a decision. I would go over the faraway hill and find my mother.
===
My muscles ached by the time I had reached the glade and night was coming on quickly. I was getting cold and starting to doubt the wisdom of my plan, when I saw a little fire twinkling in the glade. I quickly ran over to the light. Around the fire were three badgers holding sticks with chunks of meat over the embers.
“Finally,” said the largest badger. “We were beginning to think you’d never get here.”
“You k-knew I was c-coming?” I stammered. But badgers don’t talk said a little corner of my brain.
“Esmeralda knew. She told us to come to the pool and meet you,” said the second badger through a half-chewed mouthful.
“Manners, Percy,” said the largest badger. “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
“Sorry, I forgot,” said Percy, spitting meat with every syllable.
“Shall we go?” asked the smallest badger. “It’s getting dark and some folk don’t see as well in the dark.” Some folk meaning me, I guessed.
“Who is Esmeralda?” I asked the largest badger as we started to walk through the forest.
“She’s the Mother,” he said. “Anyway, that’s what everybody calls her.”
“Everybody?”
“All the forest folk. You’ll see what I mean when you meet her.”
The thought struck me; could Esmeralda be my mother?
===
“There you are,” said a blinking owl as we came to a clearing in the forest. “She’s been waiting quite some time.”
“We came as fast as we could,” said the largest Badger.
“Well, don’t waste any time jawing with me, Bert. I tell you, she’s waiting!”
With that, the owl flew over to a small hut in the center of the clearing and landed gently beside it. He walked over to the door and gave it a peck. The door opened and I gasped; I had never seen such a beautiful woman.
But was she human? Humans don’t have translucent wings. Neither do they have silvery eyes or hair so brilliantly golden. It hurt to look at her in the dark; she was so bright.
The badgers kneeled before her and automatically I did too.
She smiled at me like she knew me. “At last, little Sebastian. Here you are.”
“Are you my mother?” I said stupidly.
“No, my dear,” she said. “Your mother was from the North, one of the Mountain People.”
“What happened to her? Why did she leave me on a lily pad?”
“She had her reasons, dear heart.”
“If she’s still alive, I have to find her.” My chin jutted out. I would do this thing, though I was but a child.
“I will send the badgers with you,” said Esmeralda. “They know the way. Now let me just look at you! You do favour your mother.” She lifted me up in her arms and hugged me close to her. She set me down and smiled a sad smile. “For whatever reason she left you, you must never think that she doesn’t love you. She had her reasons...”
===
“How much longer?” I asked Bert. He didn’t even turn around; he just grumbled something.
“He’s not very happy with our assignment,” mumbled Percy, who was chewing something sticky. His pockets were full of snacks.
“How come?” I asked.
“He’s been mooning for a certain young lady badger and he don’t like to leave her alone with some of the other male badgers coming round her.” He winked at me and stuffed something green into his mouth. “Ol’ Bert’s the jealous kind.”
“You talk too much,” snorted Bert keeping a rapid pace in front of us.
“I eat too much,” laughed Percy. “Anyway, that’s why ol’ Bert is rushing this assignment. He don’t want to come home to see the lovely Lucinda surrounded by eligible bachelors!”
“To answer your original question, we are about six days march from the mountains,” said the littlest badger from behind me.
“Maybe at a normal pace, Win, but the way Bert’s tearing it up, more like a five!” chortled Percy belching gently. He took a stick from his rucksack and began picking at his teeth as we continued to march.
===
We lit a fire in a likely clearing and watched the stars begin to come out. I thought I would die from the loveliness of being warmed by the fire surrounded by furry friends and watching for falling stars in the immense blackness over us. I must have fallen asleep sitting up because I suddenly awoke huddled against the sleeping Percy. I could hear something prowling around the fringes of our clearing. I reached into the fire and pulled out a stick that was still burning.
I lifted the burning stick on high and walked around the clearing. All noise abruptly ceased. I looked at my hand, my skin was beginning to glow faintly. At first, I thought it was reflecting from the burning stick but as the glowing increased, I realized that it was no reflection; my skin was turning golden again. It was very odd.
“Come on out,” I said in a voice that was deeper than my usual voice, I hoped.
“No!” said a voice from the thicket.
“You idiot, Bran!” said another voice. “He didn’t even know we were here!”
“Than why did he tell us to come out?” said the first voice reasonably.
“He was bluffing! We was as quiet as mice!”
“I did hear you,” I said. “But why won’t you come out? I won’t hurt you.”
“Ha!” said the rather disagreeable voice. “Humans is nothing but trouble for we little ones.”
“But I’m not human. Look! My hands are golden and all.”
“He’s right Nil. Humans don’t glow like that,” said the first voice.
“What is he then? And what’s he doing on our turf?”
“I’m just passing through on my way north to find my mother,” I said.
“Where in the north?” said the disagreeable Nil.
“I don’t really know; the badgers are taking me to find the Mountain People.”
“You hear that, Nil? His ma is one of the northern folk!”
“How do we know he’s not lying?” asked Bran. “How do we know he’s one of the northern Folk?”
But Bran was tired of Nil’s suspicion; the thicket trembled and out sprang a little man with massive hands, a bulbous nose and wild red hair, tangled in a mop on his head. As soon as he stepped toward me, his pale skin started turning as golden as mine.
“You’re glowing too,” I said.
“So I am,” he chortled, his blue eyes twinkling merrily. “Do you know what that means?”
I shook my head no.
“He’s one of us, Nil! Now will you just come out?” Out stumped another little man as like the first as peas in a pod. He had his mouth open to grumble when he noticed that he was glowing golden too. His mouth opened even more widely and his eyes about popped out of his head.
“What do you say now, Doubtful Dilly?” said Bran with his hands on his hips. “There’s no denying that he’s kin!”
“He`s one of the Folk, alright,” nodded Dil. He turned to me and offered me one of his outsized hands. I shook it warmly, touched to meet my kin, even if they looked rather odd compared to me.
“If I’m not being rude, what are you?” I asked.
“Some call us Brownies, some call us Sprites, and I’ve even heard us referred to as Gnomes,” said Bran. “We just call ourselves the Folk.”
“So I’m a Brownie?”
“Oh my, no!” chuckled Bran. “How can you ask?”
“You don’t look much like us,” said Nil, as though talking to a very stupid child.
“Well, I know...but if we are all of the Folk...”
“Oh there’s Folk and there’s Folk,” said Bran warmly. “But we’re all of the Faerie! We’ll help you find your people!”
“Yes, we will,” said Nil but perhaps not as enthusiastically.
===
We woke up the badgers and Bran offered to take over the job of leading me home. I was sure that Bert would leap at the chance to run back home to the Lovely Lucinda but I was wrong.
“I promised I would see you safely home and badgers keep their word,” he said, regret on every fold of his face. “If we get cracking, we’ll be there in no time!”
We followed the shore of the sea until we found a delta carved out by a slow green river.
“Now we follow the river,” said Nil. The river led us into another pine forest which slowly began to slope up. Soon my legs ached with the climbing.
“Tired, eh?” said Percy. “You need to eat more to build your strength!” He gave me a slip of dried fish which was smoky and chewy. It seemed to help because I stopped lagging behind as we steadily climbed.
The path led us around massive boulders and up scree-filled slopes. I clutched at vine maple roots and pulled myself up, grunting and groaning. Slopes to Bran and Dil were like a river to fish. They raced up without any hand holds as though gravity did not apply to them. The badgers were less light-footed except for Win who had a knack for finding the slightest crevice in the sheerest slope. Eventually, Bran and Dil brought out ropes and hauled us up the most difficult climbs.
Eventually, the path seemed to stop rising and we found ourselves walking along a high plateau going ever northward. I noticed that it was not as warm now and was glad for my leather vest. Around that night’s fire I huddled close to Percy and Win.
That morning, we came to a gate. It was painted a glossy black. Bert opened the gate and we filed on through.
“This is your country, boy,” he said.
It was a curious feeling to come back to a home that I had no memory of. Overhead there were raspy jays flying. They were calling something that sounded like “Chosen, chosen!”
“What a racket!” I said, plugging my ears, but Bran just gave me a funny look.
As we walked through green fields, the sun rose high in the sky. Every so often, birds would fly overhead, chirping and calling. I feel like we were being heralded. Each bird sang a variant of “Chosen, chosen!”
“Why are they all singing that?” I asked Bran, but he only grinned like someone who has told a joke and is waiting for the audience to get it.
Eventually, we came to a beautiful manor house. Outside on the spreading lawn was a welcoming committee of every sort of small person. Some had wings, some had claws and fangs, some had feathers,and some had hands and feet. Each was about my size and each one was glowing faintly.
A withered little man stepped forward and bowed deeply to us. “Welcome home, Sebastian! We have counted the days until your prophesied return. Blessed is the woman who bore you for this hour!” At this everybody bowed and called out “Welcome, Chosen One!”
“Why are you calling me that?” I asked.
“Because that is who you are,” he said simply.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“You are the one who will defeat the Ravers!” he said.
“The Ravers? Who are they?”
“They are the sharp shadows who steal and destroy. They are fear and pain. But, as Chosen One you will drive them from the land!”
“How am I to do this?” I asked. My heart was pounding like a drum. I felt every eye on me and would gladly have slunk away and gone back to my safe life with my father.
“Ah! The poor child!” said a fat woman with dark black hair and pale skin. “Look how fearful he looks!”
“Hush now, Glennie!” said the old fellow. “You are embarrassing the Chosen One.”
It was true, my cheeks were surely scarlet. And then, even as I felt overwhelmed, I could feel a flicker of bravery spring up in me. “I will do what I can,” I said. At once my skin flamed into gold and all around me hushed. They all glowed back at me.
===
Around a fire, the old one told me more about my life before my memories started.
“Your mother was a bonny lass, Sebastian, full of life and wise beyond her years. She was a Listener, one who strains her ears to hear what God might whisper. One night, she had a dream. In it, she found herself fighting an invisible enemy to protect something precious. When she awakened she knew three things: that she was pregnant, that her baby would do a work of surpassing greatness and that she would die to preserve his life.”
I was speechless and could only ball up my fists and try not to cry.
“The time has come to speak of your mother’s brave decision,” said the old one. “Telling no one about her dream she began to make a plan. She knew that the Ravers would soon know about her pregnancy and demand the child.”
“Why?” I asked.
“The Ravers know the ancient prophecies. They know that God would send a deliverer to us, the Chosen One, so they stole all of our male babies as soon as they were born to subvert the prophecy.”
“What did my mother do?” I asked.
“She left us and went south to have her baby and hide him away from the Ravers.”
“How did she die...” I could not finish the painful sentence; tears were spilling onto my cheeks.
“The Ravers smelled the blood of your birthing on the wind. They flew south; dark clouds intent on destruction. Your mother hid you away and went out smeared in blood so that hers was the only smell they could smell. They demanded to know where you were but she held her tongue. They lost temper and slew her. But her work was accomplished and now you have returned to do God’s work and deliver us!”
“But I’m only a child!” I whispered. Was he blind, that he did not see how small I was, how weak?
“Never say, ‘I’m only a child’! Instead say, ‘I am a child of God’! Indeed, none of us can say what we might do. But Sebastian, you are the Chosen One. Go ahead... say it!” He lifted me to my feet.
“I am the Chosen One,” I said in a faint voice. My skin glowed very faintly.
“Say it as again but like you believe it!” he urged.
“I am the Chosen One,” I said with a bit more faith. At once, I felt something within me register the words. I was the Chosen One. My skin brightened as though on fire and I glittered in my fully golden skin. I could see the glow even through my clothing.
The old one covered his eyes even as his own skin glowed.
“You are the Chosen One,” he smiled.
“But I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“You will,” he nodded.
“They’re coming!” The cry came from one of the treetops where sentries were stationed. It was as though a storm rolled in. A black cloud like an evil tide came rushing in and I saw dark spirits riding black birds. I faced them, quaking with fear. My glowing skin began to dull.
“I am the Chosen One!” I cried, shaking like a leaf.
“Come with us, Firefly!” called the spirits, flying in tight circles above me.
“Leave this place and never come back!” I said as loudly as my tight throat would allow.
“Come with us, Lightening Bug!” they chorused.
Suddenly, two of them flew directly at me and threw a glittering cloud at me. At once, I was covered with a pulsing, glowing mass, shot through with dark energy. It ran over my skin like muddy water. I was overcome.
I was held in the center of a glassy globe. The Ravers threw cords around the globe and supported by several squalling birds, I was removed from my people once again.
===
The Ravers set me up on a flat stone surrounded by standing stones. In my glassy globe, my skin faded back to pink. I knew that I was doomed. Any minute now, the Ravers would cast my globe into a huge fire that they were building beside me.
“Oh Mother,” I sobbed. “You were wrong about me!”
Having finished the fire, the Ravers danced around it in a frenzy of blood-lust, chanting and screaming. It was a horrible cacophony of sound and I was glad that I only heard it faintly from within my globe. One Raver was playing a huge ox skin drum and the others were leaping spastically around it as he sounded each angry beat. I fell to my knees inside the globe and prepared for the worst.
My globe was surrounded with clutching hands and rending claws. They bore me up and paraded me around the fire. Dimly, I could hear their harsh voices rise in mockery:
“He wants to be a firefly, we’ll give him fire!”
“This will make you glow, bright boy!”
I squeezed my eyes shut so I was shocked to hear another voice shouting against the ravening crowd.
“Stop! Let him go!” I felt my globe thud onto the ground. I opened my eyes to see who could have been my deliverer. I saw a dark figure shrouded in a dark robe with a metal ring around his head. All around me, the Ravers fall silent.
“Bring him into my house,” he commanded and turned on his heel. The Ravers cast dark powders over my globe and it melted away. Rough hands gripped me and bore me to the dark figure’s house.
He was seated at a dark wooden table set with glittering candles in tall silver candlesticks, drinking a deeply bowled glass of wine.
“Sit!” he commanded. I did so.
“Leave!” he commanded, and the Ravers melted away. He pulled his hood from his head and revealed his visage to me. His eyes were piercing, obsidian black in a finely-featured face. He was no Raver.
“Look into my eyes!” he commanded. I did so; there was no questioning him. You did what you were told. I felt myself tremble all over as his relentless eyes looked deeply into me.
“So it is true,” he said finally. “You are the Chosen One. You will be their death.”
“H-how can you know that?” I stammered.
“Never mind how,” he said. “What am I to do with you?”
He called for a Raver escort and I was taken to a stone cell and locked in. I looked around and wept quietly to see my surroundings: cobwebs, stone floor and empty shelves. I huddled into a corner and tried to sleep.
===
In the dim of night, I heard a scrabbling in the wall of my cell. One of the rocks began to shift and rock lightly. I went to the stone and found that I could work it free. I pushed it onto the floor and in popped a large brown mole.
“Thanks awfully, I was beginning to think I’d never get that slab out,” he said dusting his paws on his little round belly.
“Have you come to rescue me?” I said.
“Not unless you can fit in my tunnel,” said the mole doubtfully. “No, I’ve come to encourage you.”
“I doubt you can,” I said. “The Ravers are going to kill me.”
“Maybe not,” he said. “They believe that you’re the Chosen One and they’re afraid if they kill you, you’ll explode or something. They think you’re like a time bomb!”
“How do you know that?”
“I have excellent hearing! Even underground, I could hear them arguing.”
“What are they saying?”
“Some want to kill you and scorn the thought of you blowing up, but your father, he’s adamant that...”
“What? My father? Who’s my father?”
“He’s the tall, dark one with the ring around his head. What? Didn’t you know?”
“No...but why is my father with the Ravers?”
“That’s a long story, my friend,” said the mole. “You should know that your father was not always as you see him now. When your mother vanished one day, your father blamed the Ravers and rode out to confront them, filled with wrath. They seduced him, turning his anger into ceaseless rage and bitterness and making him like one of them.”
“My father is a Raver?”
“No, but he is their king,” said the mole gently.
“What will become of me?” I cried.
“He won’t let them kill you,” said the mole. “He said that they would have to kill him first.”
“So, I’m going to be a prisoner here for the rest of my life?”
“Oh dear me,” said the mole. “I’m not being very encouraging, am I? Don’t lose hope, Sebastian. Your people are on the march!”
“What can they do against the Ravers?” I said.
“You never know.”
At that moment, I heard the distinct sounds of fighting: swords ringing, arrows firing and harsh cries. The mole smiled broadly and ducked back into his tunnel. I ran to it but could not even get my arm in. I ran back to the door of the cell and began pounding on it, crying out for deliverance.
I could hear footsteps pounding down the corridor and saw the handle of the door turning. Friend or foe, I wondered. The door opened and it was my father.
“Come with me!” he ordered.
“I will not,” I said crossing my arms and thrusting out my chin. “My true people have come for me!”
“Will they bring back your mother?” he said harshly. I felt like he’d hit me in the stomach. He seized me, bound my mouth with a kerchief and flung me over his shoulder under his black cloak. He ran with me out of the camp of the Ravers. Squinting through a tear in the fabric, I saw my people riding on the backs of magpies and blue jays storming the Ravers and causing havoc.
He leapt past all of the skirmishing and ran pell-mell into the dark forest. I bumped up and down on his bony shoulder wondering what he was thinking.
Finally, he stopped and dropped me to the ground. I was so battered that I just lay their looking up at the stars bravely shining on me.
“Your people are fighting for you,” he muttered. “Such a thing has never happened before.”
“They cannot beat your Ravers,” I said.
“Can they not? No one knows what can be done until it is attempted; they have never banded together against the Ravers. And one man was not sufficient to overcome them.”
“At least you tried,” I said. “I think my mother would have been proud of you.”
“We will not speak of her,” he said harshly. He went to building a fire for us.
“What are you going to do with me?” I asked when we were seated together before the flames.
“I don’t know... I don’t know.” He rose to his feet and started pacing to and fro. He cried out: “Everything I have become is fighting against everything I once was. Something dark and hard is fighting to escape from my heart!” He was confused and on the verge of madness; even a child could see that. I was torn between running away and comforting him, this odd man who was my real father.
Finally, I drew near to him and put my hand on his shoulder. Immediately my skin flared up as golden as the sun. He cried out as his skin also lit up. He tore open his tunic and I marvelled to see his heart almost leaping out of his skin with thunderous beating. He screamed as a dark sliver like a glass shard pushed its way to the surface of his skin so that he bled. He looked down, grit his teeth and pulled out the long glittering dart and cast it into our fire. “Enough of your poison, you cursed thing,” he gasped and collapsed to the ground in an exhausted slumber. I wrapped him in a blanket and drew him nearer the fire. I busied myself in making him a hot drink while he slept. I could see the sun beginning to show itself, rimming the mountains with gold and purple.
“When I went to the Ravers, I was ready to fight,” said my father from his cocoon. “They surrounded me, waving spears at me and laughing. I could not fight all of them though I tried. I spun around with my sword outstretched daring each one to advance. That is when my heart was pierced by that Raver dart. My body became cold and my heart followed suit. I became like one of them. You delivered me,” he said his voice finally faltering as he wept. I fell into his arms and together we laughed until we were spent.
We moved on from that place the next morning, my true father and I.

Authority: Jesus and the Centurion

Luke 7:1-10
When I first heard about my posting to the backwater of Palestine, I was aghast.
I was a member of the Praetorian Guard, charged with protecting the emperor. It was perhaps the best that a third son from a noble family could aspire to and I was a model soldier.
It is true that in my secret heart what I really longed to do was to study and learn. I was captivated by the philosophy of the Greeks thanks to my tutor Demetrius. Perhaps I was not wise enough to keep my learning to myself for I found myself one day in front of a tribunal accused of atheism and lack of respect for the gods. Of course, the charges were inflated and misleading, yet there was in them a grain of truth. And when I say a grain, I really mean a bushel! I did not respect the gods. Indeed, who could? What kind of god worthy of worship spends all his energy trying to have sex with maidens, as Jupiter did? Our gods were merely men with superhuman abilities: proud, impulsive and violent.
So now I command a hundred men here in this hot dusty land full of religious zealots and wild-eyed priests. It is as unlike proud, cosmopolitan Rome as a pig is from a horse and yet I am content. For one thing, the people here, the Jews, follow one God whose name cannot be spoken and they live their lives attempting obedience to their Law which sets out ethical behaviour in a bewildering array of situations.
Because I know that ruling a people is easier when you understand what drives them, I made it my new study to learn as much about these Jews as I could. In this, Demetrius was my willing accomplice. Together we would go to the town square of Capernaum to listen to their scholars debate and discuss their sacred teachings.
Their God does not resemble our gods in the slightest. This God rules over his people like a shepherd with his flock. They speak of him being full of undying love. Love? A God whose lives to love his creation? Demetrius turned to me and nodded in that quick Greek way of his. “This is a God worth serving.”
What work is there for a soldier in Palestine? Oh much, my friends! You must know that these Jews see themselves as a Chosen people. You can understand this when you hear their stories. Consider their father, Abraham, the founder of the race. He was walking in a field one day and he heard the voice of this God telling him to pack up his whole family and all of his portable possessions and strike out for a country he had never seen before. Here is another of their stories. These Jews were captives in Egypt many years ago, enslaved to a pharaoh who treated them like scum. A shepherd named Moses is walking in the desert when he sees a burning bush. From out of this bush, he hears the voice of God telling him to set free the Jews, his people. He goes straightaway to the Pharaoh and demands freedom for his people and he gets it! And the Jews have many such stories of divine intervention: marching around a walled city until the walls of themselves come tumbling down, a shepherd boy slaying a huge giant with only a sling. I could go on and on.
Where was I? Oh yes, you can see why they see themselves as a chosen people. As a people special to God’s heart, you can imagine that they do not see Rome as a worthy ruler. Are they grateful for Roman roads, Roman culture and Roman peace? My friends, they are not! They are a people given to rebellion and stiff-neckedness, eager to send we Romans packing. And now the talk of Capernaum is all of their Messiah.
What is a Messiah? As nearly as Demetrius and I could understand, the Messiah is a sort of God-King come to earth to build a holy Kingdom. Bad news for Rome, you say? Ah, we will see, we will see.
My task, as I see it, is to deprive rebels of any cause to rebel. I am not the governor it is true, but I have it in my power to do good to these Jews. It was Demetrius, subtle, cunning Greek that he is, that first put the idea into my head to build them a meeting place, a synagogue. As he pointed out, a grateful people are slower to rebel. I will say that my visits to the synagogue were more than just a show of support; I was truly fascinated with the idea of a loving God and as a military man, I liked the idea of a God who rewarded good behaviour and punished sin instead of indulging in it himself.
One day Demetrius came to me all excited about a strange tale he had heard in the streets. There was a Jewish miracle worker who was in the countryside amazing scholars with his teaching and overwhelming the poor with healings and deliverances. The talk was that this could be, must be, the Messiah long promised.
“I can’t say I like the sound of that,” I said gruffly. “Every time these Jews find a new Messiah, it means rebellion against Rome!”
“This man, Jesus, might be a different kettle of fish,” said Demetrius, his eyes twinkling. “He teaches his followers not to resist oppression. He told him that when they are struck on the cheek, to present the other one for a smack.”
“That doesn’t sound like a very Jewish sentiment,” I said. “I thought their scripture taught to take an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth.”
“His teachings are as strange to my ears as they are to yours, master. But all the same...I find them profoundly exciting!”
“I’ll tell you what, Demetrius. Why don’t you join with this Jew’s entourage and keep your ears open for any whiff of rebellion?”
Over the next few weeks, Demetrius would come back for our little symposiums and he would share with me what he’d learned. It was the most amazing blend of rustic story-telling and powerful preaching. But the amazing thing, according to Demetrius, was this man’s authority. Sick men and women presented themselves to him and with a few words or a touch, all signs of sickness would flee.
“He cures men without medicine,” said Demetrius in a hushed voice. “I saw him heal a blind man by simply telling him to see! I tell you, the man has the spirit of Asclepius on him!”
“Every magician worthy of his salt has hidden tricks,” I suggested.
“I am not an easily gulled peasant,” said Demetrius, highly affronted. “Believe me master, this man is different. What if he is the Messiah?”
“Oh Demetrius, they are making a Jew out of you!” I laughed.
“I wonder...” he said.
One day, I got out of bed to break my fast, but to my surprise Demetrius was nowhere to be seen. It was unlike him to miss a meal. I went to his room to berate him for lollygagging in bed. To my shock, his face was as white as milk and an acrid smell filled the room.
“Demetrius,” I cried. He groaned hollowly but could not speak. Immediately I summoned a slave to run for a doctor.
The doctor, another Greek, poked Demetrius in his abdomen and checked his saliva. He turned to me and shook his head. “He will surely die. It is the plague from the East.”
I dismissed the doctor with a piece of silver and called my optio in.
“Take some men with you and go to the Jewish healer Jesus and ask him to heal my servant Demetrius.” I commanded. He saluted without comment and quickly marched away.
+++++++++++++
I looked up from the fire where I was grilling a fish. Romans! What were they doing here? I must protect my master, I thought. I picked up a staff and ran to where Jesus was resting.
“Master, wake up! Romans are coming!” I shouted.
“What do they want, Simon Peter?” he asked yawning and stretching.
“I don’t know yet. I came to you first!”
“Well, let’s find out what they want.” He smiled at me in that way that makes you love him.
The Romans had come to ask Jesus to heal one of their slaves. I knew that he would refuse to do such a thing because these were Gentiles, but to my surprise he just nodded and got up to go with them.
We started to walk the long dusty road to the villas of Capernaum when another Roman soldier came to us and saluted.
Jesus smiled and waited. He did not return the salute!
“My centurion greets you and begs you not to come to his villa. He has told me to tell you just to speak a word. He knows that it will be sufficient to heal his servant. He, himself, is a man under authority so he understands that you have the authority to do this.”
I tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jesus look surprised before but his eyes were wide and a shocked smile was playing about his mouth.
“You Romans amaze me!” he said. “I haven’t seen this kind of faith before among my own people and now you foreigners come to me and demonstrate true faith. I tell you, your servant is healed from this very moment!”
The Roman saluted again, turned on his heal and marched back into the early morning.
+++
Demetrius’ eyes opened slowly. His face was starting to get its colour back. He looked up and me and grinned.
“I dreamed that I was about to cross the river Styx,” He said “When suddenly a man with a loud voice called to Charon and said, ‘You have no authority over this one! He belongs to me!’”
“What happened then?” I asked.
“Charon nodded and turned the ship around and brought me back to the land of the living souls.” He clapped me on the shoulder and told me that he would pick me up another time!
“Who was the man who called to you from the land of the living souls?”
“It was that Jewish healer Jesus. I tell you, sir, there is something very different about him.”
“I’m inclined to agree with you. Now get out of bed you lazy slave. My breakfast awaits its usual companion!”
+++

What a charming story. But there is a very interesting point to it which I hope you picked up on. It has to do with authority.
I remember many sessions where some unfortunate soul would come to me and ask that I pray for their healing. I always felt that somehow I had to drum up the faith to heal them, somehow I had to psyche myself and the sick person up so that God would see our faith and bring healing. I rather resented Jesus for doing it all so effortlessly! He would speak a word or touch the sick person and boom they would recover! No fair, Jesus! Why can’t I do that?
How is it that Jesus was able to operate in such authority? Is it because he knows who he is? Is it because he is so intimately tied to his Father that he can perceive what his Father is already doing and climb onboard with it?
Authority is not a star that falls from heaven and creates a crown on our heads. It is a closeness, an intimacy with God so that we know we have permission to join him in healing people. As long as I think that I (gifted soul that I am) am the healer, I will never bring healing. But if I see that God is already at work, I am welcome to join him, to come under the canopy of his authority.

Amen

Leo Rex

I am the ugliest man ever to ascend to the Seat of St. Peter.
It is my ears: they explode from my head like gull’s wings, giving me the appearance of an aircraft coming in for a landing. This effect is not improved by the squatness of my nose, rudely hewn and plopped down like a potato under my watery grey eyes.
I have heard it said that appearance is destiny so my celibacy seemed like a foregone conclusion. After all, what woman would link the happiness of her future children to so homely a sire?
They call me Leo Rex, King Lion, and what a jungle I am lord over! The Vatican is dense, steamy and full of pitfalls and hungry carnivores. How did I come to be here?
I am here because of Cardinal Vicini. He knew that his many enemies would block his bid for the papacy, so he put all of his considerable guile and strength to plucking this little Carmelite abbot from obscurity and making me his candidate. Vicini is well-hated but then so were all of the other contenders for the triple-crown. I alone had no enemies. They say that a man without enemies is a man with only friends. So it proved, for when the white smoke streamed into the Vatican sky, it was this humble Carmelite who was anointed Pope.
Does this strike you as being an Ugly Duckling story? How I wish it were. How wonderful to see ugly Maximo transform into beautiful Leo and live happily ever after! Alas. My story is more like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, if Goldilocks had an iron grey tonsure and there were at least a thousand bears.
I hear you protest: but Maximo, you are il Papa, the Supreme Pontiff! Surely all must bow before your decrees! How can you call yourself a Goldilocks? I smile grimly at your assumption. You must be in my shoes to know how I must navigate this Latin swamp.
Vicini is chief of my bears. Imagine a bruin with silver hair, well-manicured claws, a dulcet growl and you have the illustrious Cardinal. He had hoped that bringing me to the throne would allow him to control its power. I’m afraid that he thought he would be Geppetto to my Pinocchio, pulling the strings and naming the tune that I would dance to. Sadly for Vicini, Pinocchio is turning out to be a real boy.
I am a man of prayer. Of course, it is assumed that all Popes must be devoted to divine intercourse, but Lord Acton’s words are reflected in most papal histories: absolute power corrupting absolutely. Popes of necessity become politicos.
No doubt, it was my books of meditation and prayer that attracted the Cardinal’s attention. Oho, thought he, a holy fool to make a papal puppet!
But I was and remain a man of prayer, thank God.
Of course, God himself is my biggest bear.
He has put it on my heart to take our Holy Church and put it into a rock tumbler. I am to deprive the Church of her celibate priesthood.
Oh, I know, I know! What is the Church without her abstentious leadership? Is it still the Holy Catholic Church? How then are we different than the Protestants or the Eastern Church? You don’t have to tell me.
And yet.
I was praying in my private chapel. Oh no, not that private chapel. Private? Moths pinned under glass have more privacy than the Holy Father at prayer. No, my chapel is a certain hillside near Siena, the grassy slopes where the trees mass together at the bottom like village women gathering at the well. This was my private place with God, my resting place.
My chauffeur, Antonio, longs to be a spy, working for the CIA or M16 perhaps. It is a wonderful for me to have a co-conspirator like him. He can whisk me away without any of my so-called servants knowing where their pope is. I don’t know how he does it, but no sooner do I give him my pleading sign than we are roaring down the road in a sporty Fiat toward the Tuscan hills.
Antonio stays with the smoking car while I walk through the golden grass and pray.
So it was last Tuesday in the middle of the afternoon on an almost warm day in early April. I was walking and listening. Listening? Was the Pope hearing voices? Was the homely Carmelite becoming a mystic like Francis or Teresa? Do not make me blush.
But God’s lambs hear his voice says John the Divine and this lamb was listening.
What does God sound like, you are wondering? He is never what you’d expect. He is always more stern and more loving, more joyous and more terrifying than the safely crucified Christ, pinned to his cross. Do I blaspheme? Please understand me, I am a lover of God, but my Jesus is not the meek Victorian schoolgirl painted by so many: the pale Jesus with haunted eyes and long blond hair. My Galilean is more of a whirlwind, a desert storm! When I walk with him, I am stirred, shaken, calmed and directed. I am not placated, spoiled or spoken down to. What is it you Americans say? Jesus is not my shrink.
I was walking on that fateful Tuesday and listening.
“What am I to do?” I prayed. I was full of concern for my poor benighted Church. I had heard rumours of yet another sexual scandal involving priests and children. My heart was torn with rage and anguish. I was desperate to receive some consolation, a ‘there, there Maximo’ from my Jesus.
“What should you do?” asked Jesus.
“What can I do?” I muttered.
“What did I do?” he asked.
I remembered the account of the Temple Cleansing. Jesus saw his Father’s house given over to money-changing and the sale of sacrificial animals. His lip did not tremble; his eyes did not tear up; he did not sigh with sorrow. No, Jesus took a whip and cleared the money-changers out. He physically removed those who adulterated the Temple. “My house shall be a house of prayer!’ he cried.
I was shaken. I pictured myself wielding a whip and driving the fallen priests out of the Holy Church.
“I will drive them all out of your house!” I promised.
“You are looking at fruit; I want you to deal with roots,” he said.
“I don’t understand,” I pleaded.
But he had said all that he would. I was left to meditate over the whole affair. I pondered a priesthood that could hide pedophiles. Would a married priesthood be less of a haven for broken men? Was that what I needed to do?
I needed to talk to a wise counsellor, so I flagged down Antonio and directed him to drive to Napoli and the office of my spiritual director.
Catherine is the most beautiful woman I know, and she is as wise as she is lovely. Her nut brown skin is caught up in laughing wrinkles. She is textured and noble. She outweighs me by about fifty pounds and she laughs like a wave coming over the seashore.
“You want to do what?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“I know!” I cried. “Tell me that I’m delusional! Tell me that I’m not a realist! But what can I do?”
“You really think that removing celibacy as a condition for the priesthood will make pedophiles choose another vocation?”
“I don’t know if it will,” I said more quietly. “I think that some choose the priesthood because they hope it will be a safe haven from the urges that tear them up and perhaps they reason that God will heal them if they prove themselves to him?”
“So you would change the requirement of celibacy to strain out a few offenders?”
“It takes only a little yeast to leaven the whole lump of dough.” I could quote Scripture with the best of them. But then so could the Devil. This was why I needed the wisdom of my director.
“Have you spoken with anybody else about this?” she asked.
“Good God, no.”
“That is well,” she said. “Maximo, you must make this a matter of urgent prayer and study. Consult with the best minds and stay malleable in God’s hands. Come back to me in two weeks and we will discuss it further.”
+++
What are you up to, Leo Rex, slippery feline that you are? What are you doing when my spies lose sight of you? Your dismissive answers to my questions fill me with the deepest of suspicions. You say you need privacy to pray? I wonder.
I don’t trust you. I cannot understand you or your motives. I should have been Pope! All my life, I was groomed for the supreme post. I would have made the Church glorious again. A true power such as the world has not seen since Innocent III! What have you accomplished? You refuse my advice, saying “Oh Vicini! Our call is to be in the world but not of it. You want to be the world!” What nonsense! How is it possible to be a governor without bearing the burden of governing: protecting your back, knowing your enemies, placating your allies?
I will speak with Antonio again. A simple man like him will not long keep secrets from one such as I. Brother Feo, my first confessor, always said that I would have made a better lawyer than a priest. He should know! His cross examinations were always a model of Jesuit fine-toothed combing. I seldom left his presence without a surfeit of penances.
So, Antonio, what was the Pope doing in Napoli?
+++
Herr Doktor Carlinus Tropp has blue eyes that twinkle when his mind is racing from thought to thought. When I was in St. Piex Seminary, I was lucky enough to have Linus as a room-mate and a chess adversary.
It was glorious to watch him pull out the professor’s presuppositions and smite them with Teutonic wrath during our philosophy of religion classes. His dogged determination to find the truth delighted half of our teachers and terrified the rest. Woe betide the instructor who tried to palm off Linus by pulling out such chestnuts as “But, that is what the Church teaches, so you must accept it as true, Tropp!”
Linus has an office in the University but I needed to find a solitary place to meet. We met in an apartment that Antonio rents for my private meetings. I fear his spy-games mindset is beginning to rub off on me.
“So Leo XIV will be known as the pope who did away with celibacy, eh?” said Linus, pausing to drain the rest of his Dunkel Weizen. When he looked up at me, I smiled to see that a bit of foam was clinging to his moustache.
“Why would you do such a thing, Maximo?”
“I don’t intend to do away with celibacy, per se, but only to remove it as a prerequisite for the priesthood.”
“But why?” he repeated.
I told him about my vision and watched him shrug his shoulders. “I am no mystic Maximo. If you are planning to do such a thing you must be prepared to debate!” This was the Linus that I needed.
“Teach me then, Herr Professor! Illuminate your pope.”
He put his fingers together in a steeple and I could see his eyes sparkle as he marshalled his soldiers in ranks.
“We start with our first Pope, St. Peter. Married. In fact, there was no requirement for celibacy until the 12th century. Are we saying that a millennium of priests were all heretics?” On went the good Doktor dissecting and examining the issues. He dealt cleanly with the Pauline dogma that an unattached believer is more free to serve God, and chewed over the interesting idea that an unmarried man would give excellent advice as a marriage counsellor to his parishioners. By the time he had summed up, I was even more certain that I needed to do the unthinkable.
He looked at me with concern. “Have you considered how your enemies will attack you Maximo?” he asked.
“Go ahead. Tell me.”
“At the very least they will call you a hypocrite. ‘The Pope demands a married clergy but is unwilling to get a bride himself!’ they will say.”
“I told you already, I do not intend to foist marriage on my priests; I simply want to give them the choice!”
“You will still be called to practice what you preach, you know. If you remember your Church History, Luther fought priestly celibacy and his reward was a wife!”
“Can you imagine a woman near-sighted enough to marry me?” I laughed. He did not share in my mirth, instead he sighed. “You are making jokes? So might a chicken do as it is put in the stew pot.”
“This bird is tough enough, I assure you,” I said. He shrugged as if to say, we shall see.
+++
I only knew Dr. Althuis by her reputation. She was a clinical psychologist working with issues of sexual identity and imprinting. I needed to know how it was that people became pedophiliacs. We spoke of brain structure and past traumas, of alcohol and violence. I asked her whether removing celibacy as a condition of priesthood would keep them out of the priesthood.
“You misunderstand the nature of pedophilia if you think that marriage will offer a solution,” she said, her lips pressed tightly together. “Protestant ministers have pedophiliacs in their number too. It is a myth to think that only the unmarried can be offenders.”
“Is a cure hopeless then?” I asked, my heart leaden within me.
“Perhaps the solution lies with a different approach to screening potential priests,” she said. She had a haunted look in her eyes like one who has seen too much suffering. “The Church must do a better job of uncovering men who have a genuine vocation for the priesthood and those fleeing from their own torn psyches.”
I thanked her and made my way back to Antonio.
+++
It was clear that I had made a profoundly impulsive leap with not enough information. My assumption that all I had to do was to offer the option of marriage to discourage pedophiles from entering the priesthood was flawed. Perhaps that is why Jesus’ last words to me were about roots rather than fruit.
How could I make my Church safe? How could I ensure that pedophiles did not become priests? Unfortunately, there is no unified theory as to why men become child-abusers. Dr. Althuis was clear about this. Theories abounded: perhaps it was a problem with the brain chemistry, or a question of abuse, or could it be spiritual in nature. How could the Church screen this? Was it necessary to make every candidate take an MRI? I needed to confer with my director again.
+++
“I am the pope, Catherine. If I cannot find a way, how will my Church fare?” I jumped up from my chair and paced through her office, prodding her many leather bound books and fidgeting.
“You are not listening to me, Maximo. What was the last thing Jesus told you?” She remained as calm as ever.
“He told me to concern myself with roots not fruit.” I picked up a statue of St. John and began to polish it with my sleeve.
“And how do you interpret his command?” She took the statue from me and pointed to a chair.
“The fruits are abusive priests; the roots are the cause of this sin.” I sat down again, chastened.
“Very well then. Your task is not just to protect your Church but also to bring healing to its damaged members. The Shepherd bears not only a rod and staff but also oil for healing.”
+++
“Oh come, Antonio, surely you can tell me something more than that?” I said with what I hoped was a sad smile on my lips. A father pleading with his son to be a man and tell the truth.
“It is the truth, your Eminence,” he responded, his palms upturned in the classic Sicilian gesture of feigned truthfulness; a gesture which said ‘would I lie?’ and ‘can you prove it?’ simultaneously.
“You are saying that the Holy Father leaves the Vatican and pleasure drives? That he holidays? Now Antonio, you will forgive me if I am extremely doubtful?” Now my face wore the expression of an uncle who catches his beloved nephew in a bordello and is listening to a cock and bull story about being there by accident, a faulty road map perhaps.
“Oh, your Eminence,” says the Sicilian. “It is God’s own truth! The Holy Father needs to leave his responsibilities every so often. He gets so stressed.” Now his prayerful gesture is mean to illicit my pity and also to paint himself as devout and free of carnal subterfuge. Oh Antonio, you missed your calling; you should have become an actor.
I waved him away and went back to the papers cluttering my desk. At least, there was one man in the Vatican pulling his weight.
+++
I realized that if I was going to reform my priests that I would need to do some recruiting. My problem comes down to a bit of a Catch 22: those cardinals who most inclined to a call to holiness were precisely those who most identified with the most conservative point of view, whereas those cardinals who were inclined to reforming the church were most fixated on social reform. To them, holiness was all about feeding the poor and bringing in a Marxist heaven on earth.
Of course, now you are shrugging your shoulders and saying, ‘But Maximo, you are the Pope! Surely all you need do is publish a bull from your lofty throne and all will obey you! Why this skulduggery and plotting?’
How little you know of life in the jungle. In such a sweeping reform, I cannot simply speak ex cathedra and say “thus sayeth the Lord.” I must create a climate for changing perceptions. I must speak with Vicini.
+++
“Holy Father! To what am I indebted for your august presence?” Vicini is at his charming best, a bear who shows you his beautiful smile with all of his teeth on display.
“Ah, Cardinal, you have always been such a support to me! I know that I can come to you with any problem and you will see solutions where all I see is confusion.”
“Please Father, you must sit down and tell me everything. Would you like a glass of wine?”
“Thank you, Cardinal.” I continue to use his title to register a tiny protest against his deliberate switch in address from ‘Holy Father’ to ‘Father’.
“Tuscans are all rascals, but you cannot argue against their wine. It is always superb.” Vicini is from Milan and feels that all areas south of Lombardy are full of rogues and Mafiosi. Together we tasted our wine and nodded our approval.
I decided to grab the bear by his paws.
“Cardinal Vicini, I am called by God to reform our priesthood.” He said nothing but raised his eyebrows.
“We must make sure that all pedophiles are weeded out of the priesthood before they can do damage to our children,” I continued.
“How do you intend to do that?” he asked quietly, almost respectfully.
“I am unsure. I believe that we must screen potential priests more stringently...” I said.
“But already we lack enough priests to lead our congregations.” The Cardinal was on his feet pacing. “We are desperate to increase candidates not further limit them!”
“What if we were open to married priests?” I said. “What if we investigated allowing women to be priests?”
“You want me to help you cast Mother Church into chaos?” he said. “Our people would be appalled! They will leave the Church in droves. You will cause the conservative wing of the Church to split away! It will be another Babylonian captivity. You cannot be serious!” Vicini continued to pace around, thoroughly exercised. I was seeing the real man now, not the smooth politician.
“Sometimes it is necessary to go through pain to achieve healing,” I said. “Jesus said that he would shake everything that could be shaken.”
“So let the Christ shake his Church,” spat Vicini. “You are its Shepherd, not its cement mixer!”
“You will not help your Pope?”
“I am helping you, Your Holiness. I am giving you excellent advice: leave well enough alone!” With that, the bear stormed out of my room.
+++
So. Now I know. The poor misguided fool will throw my Church into a volcano. How could I have misjudged him so? How does a simple abbot become so dangerous? It’s too bad that the Borgia’s are no longer with us. One of them would surely have poisoned the fool by now.
But, I would never do such a thing, would I?
+++
“What are you talking about, Antonio?” I sat in what I hoped was a posture of complete unconcern. My chauffeur, on the other hand, was vibrating like a cheap alarm clock, his hands making rapid arabesques in the air around his head and heart.
“You listen to me, your Holiness! This Cardinal Vicini is no good! He has the heart of a rotten oak, beautiful on the outside but black inside. He means you harm, Holy Father! Please let me hire you some more muscle.”
“You are being ludicrous, Antonio! You would surround your pope with armed guards?” With a supreme effort, I softened the harshness of my voice and pleaded. “I’m supposed to be the solid rock on which the Church is built, you know.”
“You are a good and holy man, your Holiness,” said my guardian, in a tone that suggested ‘but not too terribly aware of the risks of the real world.’
“What am I going to do with you, Antonio?” I waved my hand in dismissal. He left the room shaking his head.
Alone, I slumped in my leather chair. What if he was right?
+++
“You heard me.” Vicini’s mouth was a hard line. He sat behind the large black desk as though he were carved there.
“I did hear you. I just don’t believe what I heard.” Don Francisco was not a religious man, but even he had limits. “You want me to poison the Pope?”
“I understand that you are a man who can get things done, Don Francisco. You aren’t squeamish, are you?” Well, this was nonsense. Don Francisco had made murder an art form. Squeamish? The Pit-Viper of Palermo?
“It’s a hell of a thing to ask a Catholic to do.”
“Trust me. If this man doesn’t die, he will destroy the Holy Catholic Church.” This, Vicini believed with all his heart. Leo Rex had to go.
+++
Antonio set up the tiny video camera. I marvelled that so small a thing could do what Antonio assured me it could do.
“All you got to do is look at the camera and talk, your Holiness. It does everything else for you.”
“Now, you understand my desire, Antonio?”
He sighed and recited my orders: “Do nothing while you are still alive. If you should die before your work is done, it goes on Youtube and every other social network immediately.”
“That’s right, Antonio.”
“You know what this is, Holy Father?”
“Tell me, Antonio.”
“This is fatalism. You know that that pig Vicini has it in for you and you don’t let me help you. It’s suicide, Holy Father, and that’s a sin.” He stood with his arms folded across his chest and his lower lip trembling just a bit. The nuns had done a good job catechizing him.
“Oh, Antonio. I know how you feel, but I am in God’s hands.”
He switched on the camera and I read a prepared statement.
+++
I picked up the paper and frowned at the respectful headline: “Pope Declares a New Reformation.” The journalist went on to delineate all that the Pope wanted to do to address the problem with our clergy: mandatory screening for candidates to the priesthood, opening a dialogue to bring married men and women into the priesthood, and ordering all current priests to attend counselling to determine their fitness to lead.
I crushed the paper in my hands and ground my teeth together. What was taking Don Francisco so long? I looked down at my mobile phone to see all of the buttons flashing in alarm. As a Cardinal, it would be my job to reassure the conservatives and keep a muzzle on the radicals. Octopi didn’t have enough arms to do that.
My secretary buzzed me.
“Your Eminence, it’s the Archbishop again.”
“I told you, already. The CDF does not get through to me. I need time to think.”
“Yes, Your Eminence. But as Prefect, you are the one who...”
“Are you telling me my job, brother?”
“No, Your Eminence.”
“I am in meetings. That is all.”
“Yes, Your Eminence.”
+++
I smiled as I read the headline. What a hornet’s nest I had stuck my ferula into. I could tell by Vicini’s face during my Wednesday morning audience that he was furious with me. So furious that he would hereafter leave me alone? That was unlikely. I am still the pope and men like Vicini cannot stay away from power for long. What other choice does he have than to dialogue with me? Even if only to talk me out of my plans.
A rap at my door. My secretary entered, bearing a cream envelope. I recognized Vicini’s crest and opened it eagerly. It was to the point. He wanted a private meeting at my convenience. I smiled at the last word; I could imagine Vicini saying it with acid in his mouth. I called his office and invited him to take coffee with me at eleven.
+++
“It is madness and you know it,” he sputtered.
“It is our only hope and you know it,” I riposted.
“Read the papers, Pope Leo, they predict a split in the Holy Church. If this happens, you will go down in infamy as the Pope who divided Rome! Even Luther could not say as much from his bed of suffering in Purgatory.”
“What would you do if you were Pope?” I asked, waving the meat in front of the bear.
“I would shore up the Church, not destroy her. I would concentrate on the many, many faithful priests who serve and ignore the tiny percentage who are unfit. I would not demoralize the many for the sins of a few. What sort of a message do you think you are sending your priests, forcing them all into counselling?”
“I cannot shore up a structure if I see that there is rot in the timbers, Vicini. Surely you can see that?”
“You do not have the freedom to be an idealist, your Holiness! Your task is to keep your Church whole.”
I lifted up my mug to give me time to consider his words; he hadn’t touched his espresso. The bitter taste seemed to clarify some things.
“The difference between you and me, Vicini? You would rather keep something cracked held together with a strong grip and pretend that it is whole. I would rather let it fall to pieces that something good can be built in its place. It is bitter and painful but ultimately the pain can usher in healing for our Church.” I spread out my hands to him in a gesture of pleading.
“I should never have lifted you from obscurity!” said Vicini bitterly. “You are unsuited to be Pope!”
“Probably,” I said, and I fled.
+++
I was walking through my private chapel by myself. How bright the sun was this morning! How blue the sky! It was as though April was taking a coffee break and July was filling in for her. Did I smell jasmine on the breeze? I looked down at the grass and it was all golden and dancing in the wind. I was surprised to see that I was walking barefoot. My feet glowed as though they were burnished copper. What unseasonable warmth! Was I dressed in a robe?
I heard singing in the distance, like all of Rome’s choirs singing all together. It was a Gloria unlike any that I’d ever heard before. I could feel tears filling my eyes and it felt like a huge load had been taken from my shoulders. I straightened my back from its usual slump and took a deep, deep breath. I began to run for the sheer joy of running. I flew through the tall grass.
A voice called out to me and I pulled up and turned around. It was Antonio, not the Antonio of the pursed lips and deeply etched frown, but a youthful Antonio, his face relaxed into a smile.
“Antonio? What are you doing here?”
“Where is ‘here’?” he said laughing. “I don’t think I was ever here before!”
“This isn’t Tuscany?”
He just laughed again and pointed at me. “You aren’t yourself, Holy Father!”
I touched my face where he was pointing and everything on it felt strange. I could feel no wrinkles, no wattles around my throat. That was when I really looked at Antonio. He was glowing like one of Caravaggio’s apostles. “You look like an angel, Antonio!” I gasped.
“Are we dead, Holy Father?” he asked. The thought struck me. Yes, that was it; we were dead. But piggybacking on that thought was another question.
“But why would we both be dead?” I asked. At this the beautiful Antonio almost blushed.
I understood perfectly. “You were tasting my food for poison!” He shrugged.
“It must have been a slow-working poison,” he admitted.
“And now we’re dead.”
“I don’t know about you, Your Holiness. But I’ve never felt more alive!”
And we ran together into the golden heights laughing like schoolboys.

+++The End+++