Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The World's Worst Rom-Com


                                            

 

               It was Sid on the phone again with another wonderful scheme to make me rich. Pardon my sarcasm, but if you knew Sid...  Sidney A. Stein has been my agent for nearly two decades now and I've lost track of how many sure things he's called me about. He's been living in Hollywood for too long. He's caught the "deal-maker" virus for sure.

               "Hi Tony, are you ready to make a million bucks?" (That's Sid, always leading with the greenbacks. He never says, "Hey Tony, do you want to write a modern classic?")

               "Hi Sid, what's up?"

               "I was talking to Norm up at U.A. and he says that they're looking for a treatment of an idea that Angelina had! Get this: guys is working in Paris as a sommelier and meets this beautiful girl. They fall head over heels in love with each other and then it's the usual formula. You could do it in your sleep!"

               I sighed, "But Sid, I don't want to write screenplays. And I sure don't want my name on something that looks like it was written in my sleep."

               "Tony, you're too sensitive! Look, how many years has it been since you won that award? You're losing heat in the biz! Time to punch up your name with a screenplay that'll make the Academy sit up and take notice! Let's face it buddy, you could use the cash, am I right?"

               I sighed again because he was right. I could use the cash. But I knew that if I wrote a popular screenplay that I'd never be considered for any literary award ever again. Then a wicked thought  occurred to me. It was time to do the worst screenplay humanly possible. Something that even Hollywood would never make. I smiled.

               "I'll do it Sid."

               "Thataboy, Tony! I'll put together a contract."

               I pondered for about thirty seconds and then wrote the very worst screenplay of which  I was capable. I sent of my finished product to Sid by email.

               I didn't have to wait long for his reply.

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               Notes on "Just Love Me, Damn It!" -Sidney A. Stein.

1. Do you really want to offend religious people by using a curse in the title? How about "Just Love Me, For Pete's Sake!" Maybe you can add a brother or a friend named Pete? (just spit-balling here.) And maybe the brother could have a rare form of cancer and they could get back together to save him? Wow! I should be writing Hollywood scripts!

2. Does your hero have to be called Dirk Manley? You're the writer but it's kind of almost like a porn name. How about Justin? It's a name with a lot of heat these days!

3. I'm not sure that your hero should be drunk on absinthe all the time. How about being drunk on classy French wine only the time when his heart is broken by his love interest? There's a reason why nobody ever made a rom-com about the life of Toulouse-Lautrec.

4. Gwendolynne might stretching believability for your heroine's name. Can I suggest Jennifer?

5. I thought we agreed that the movie was going to be set in Paris? I'm not sure that most Americans have ever heard of Monteton. My friend, Maurice, says it means "My Boob." He's kidding right? Let's stick with Paris or Nice or some city where you can imagine falling in love, right? Something that makes women feel romantic.

6. I thought we were on the same wavelength with your hero working as a sommelier? Since when does he work in a butcher shop? Let me tell you Tony, women do not fall in love with men who hack up carcasses. I can't believe we have to argue about this. Just make him a sommelier or an artist or a poet or something classy, ok?

7. Your heroine cannot be a hooker. I know that it worked with "Pretty Women" but that's because you never saw her actually turning tricks. And it was Julia Roberts, for the love of mike. Just make her a journalist or a Cordon-Bleu chef. Something that a woman would actually like to do themselves.

8. Your notion of having a nudist for your hero's best friend is not going to work. I know you're thinking about that funny Welsh guy in Notting Hill but at least he wore underwear. We can't give up a PG rating for comic relief, Tone.

9. I'm finding the whole "falling in love sequence" hard to follow. You say that they meet in a monastery when the hero is considering a life of celibacy. Ok, but what is a hooker doing at a monastery? This is unclear. I realize that it shows both leads in a sympathetic light as spiritual seekers but a Cistercian monastery? You do realize that they observe the law of silence there, don't you? It's simply not believable to have all of the monks break into a musical number when they meet. I know that the Sound of Music was a classic with exactly this sort of thing but we're not making a musical!

10. This whole part where they break up over her attendance at the Italian Prime Minister's party is not going to go over well with Middle America, Tony. You can't have an A list actress like Angelina dancing half-naked in front of a bunch of middle-aged perverts. Just because Fellini would have made it like that  is not a guarantee that Hollywood would or should for that matter. You realize that you're making a movie for date nights not stag nights, right?

11. I don't get the part where they get back together after he crashes his car into her house and  kills all of her clients. I know you're a big fan of Quentin's but ultra-violence and romantic comedies aren't soup and sandwich, at least, not in Hollywood.

12. I disagree with your idea of showing the hero as a woman in disguise. Yes, Shakespeare was famous for stuff like that but it sort of defeats the idea of a good old American heterosexual romantic comedy. Are we supposed to enjoy Angelina realizing that she's a lesbian after all?

               Now Tony, I'm sure with a little direction, you can create a modern classic. Get back to me, buddy!

 

 

 

              

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