The Elf in the Alder-part one

I was seated in my garden enjoying a book when a large black bird came crashing into an alder on the wooded bank behind me. When I looked again, the bird was gone but now there was a tiny bearded man clinging to the topmost branch. "Who are you?" I called up. "But you can't see me!" he yelled. "But I can see you." "That is not helpful!" he cried. "The spell is failing!" "Come down immediately," I said. "I can't! Heights paralyze me!" "An odd place to be for one so afflicted." "You great hulking fool!" he sputtered. "I am not here by my own design! Please help me down." "Oh very well. Just give me a moment to find my ladder." "Please hurry," he whimpered. "Sorry for calling you a fool!" --- Once I had the little man out of the alder and seated on my counter drinking tea and brandy from a thimble, he told me everything. "My name is Blue Wednesday and until recently I was a prisoner of the Malificent Gruzzela!" "Who might she be?" I asked. "More later," he assured me. "Why did she take you prisoner?" "I'll get to that." "But how-" "Look, friend, why not let me tell my story my way?" "Sorry, sorry..." I apologized. It was difficult for me to work as a journalist for the Times and not immediately fall into the role of Inquisitor. I am always rushing raconteurs to the point, urging them to cut to the chase. Impatience is one of my character flaws. "Where was I? Oh yes, a prisoner of the cruelest witch ever to curse mankind. Why, you may ask, did she take me prisoner?" "I did ask," I murmured gently. "You see before you the scion of the House of Nod, prince of my people. The witch was holding me hostage against the yielding up of the Silver Wand." Here he gave me a sharp look, no doubt to arrest any questions concerning the said Wand. "The Wand is all she lacks," he continued. "Her power is already beyond that of all other workers of magic, fair or foul. It was vital for my father not to give into her, even though it would mean sealing my doom." "But you escaped," I said, nudging his story ahead a tiny bit. "Ah, I befriended a mouse who lived in the wall near my cage. I persuaded him to bring me a page out of a spell-book that I'd seen in her library. It was a spell for transforming oneself into an invisible crow. Unfortunately, Reggie rather mangled the spell in bringing the page to me. I found that I could turn into a bird but my motor controls for flying were not very predictable." "And that's how you found yourself in my alder?" He bowed to me. "Precisely! The spell had a rather short shelf life. And now we must put our heads together and plan our next move." "Our next move?" I protested. "Surely you mean, your next move?" "What? After hearing my story, you are untouched by my plight? Do you not see that your own future, indeed the future of all who live on this green globe are affected by this dread witch? To do nothing to help me would be criminal!" "Until this morning, I'd never even heard of this Gruzzela!" I complained. "How do you imagine that I can do anything to help you, save rescuing you from my tree?" "But, my dear friend, there are no coincidences! It was fated that you should rescue me and join our struggle against the forces of evil!" "Please, little man, I cannot indulge this grandiose notion of yours. Now finish your tea and be on your way." The little man shook his head sadly and hopped to the floor. He left without saying another word. I watched him disappear into the woods directly behind me. I went back to my garden to enjoy the summer sun dancing on my begonias, to smell the fragrance of honeysuckle and try to forget the wild story that the elf had told me. I picked up my Agatha Christie and soon lost myself in the plot. It had to be the parson; he was the only one who I didn't seem to have a motive. I heard St. Martin's bell sounding three and I went inside to make myself a cucumber sandwich and a pot of tea. I was inspired by the smell of fresh strawberries so I tossed a few into a bowl and covered them with fresh cream. "What a pig you are!" I said to myself with a broad smile on my face. I went outside to note with displeasure that the sun had gone behind a rather dark cloud. Rain! I thought, as I scurried to bring everything inside. I heard a rumble of thunder and I swore as I slopped tea onto my sandwich. Where was my perfect afternoon going? And what was that shrieking that I heard over the wind? Shivering, I slammed the door shut and tried to go back to my ruined tea. The storm seemed to gain in power with each passing minute. I looked out the window; the trees were thrashing back and forth under a violent wind, leaves were scattering everywhere. I switched on the radio to see if I could get a weather report for this most sudden storm. I could get absolutely no signal which distressed me. What was going on? I turned on the television set and again, nothing. It was most irregular. I picked up the phone and there was not even a hint of a connection. It was like I was isolated on a desert island. I wondered if my neighbour, the Major, was likewise cut off. I tried to open my door but the wind was so strong that I couldn't open it even a crack. I began to sweat. Who ever heard of a hurricane in England? I decided that I would be marginally safer downstairs in my little wine cellar. I confess that I opened some port for my nerves while I sat in the dim light and tried to remember my childhood prayers. "Praying?" said a thin voice from the dark. "And so you may, so you may..." "Who are you?" I asked, my voice even thinner, almost a squeak. I could not see anyone in the gloom. "I'm a friend of the elf Wednesday. He told me to come to you and pass on this message." A tiny note was handed to me by what I now could see was a dark rodent of some sort. I opened the thrice-folded note and read the following: Still think it's none of your concern? This storm is Gruzzela clearing her throat; it will only get worse for you! Join us!! Mole can take you safely to headquarters. Blue Wednesday I turned to the mole. "The elf says you can take me to his headquarters." "That I can, mate. I tunneled into your cellar from the North Branch of the Great Tunnel. If you have a shovel, you can access the G.T. with just a bit of elbow grease." I went to get a spade and together we widened his tunnel so that I could travel through it. I will say nothing of the Great Tunnel except that if gardeners knew what moles were really capable of, they would all turn in their rakes and hoes and surrender their gardens en masse. Moles have rather let us off gently. Don't let those furry, funny little faces fool you. We traversed the Great Tunnel for several hours until the mole turned to me and indicated a slowly sloping branch. "That's your way, mate! Good luck!" "Thanks very much Mr...?" "Oh, we moles don't have names as such. We don't hold with such anthropomorphic muck. Mr. Mole is sufficient for me." "Thank you Mr. uh...Mole." "Just deal with the witch, mate. That's thanks enough for me!" I went up the sloping branch and come to a round green door. I rapped on it and hearing nothing, opened it slowly. I looked around a well lit room with maps on every wall and a plethora of beakers, burners and test tubes in the sink. Water was still running. I spied a note on the table. She's onto us. Getting out while the getting is good! Will send someone to find you. Avoid open areas. B.W. What was I to do? Should I go back into the tunnel? Clearly, the headquarters was no safe place for me. I reluctantly headed back into the tunnel but then stopped. If the witch had figured out the location of the headquarters surely she would soon be onto the Great Tunnel as well? I was paralyzed with fear. I heard a racket at the front door of headquarters. That decided me, I lunged for the back door to the tunnel when a searing flash of flame flew past me and reduced the door to a pile of smoking bits. I turned around and saw a tall woman with blue black hair and flaming eyes standing there with fire leaping from her outstretched palms. "Fancy another?" she sneered. I shook my head no, and shivered. "I thought not. Right! Where are the Elves and my Wand?" "I just arrived," I said. "There was nobody here." "Zut! I am beginning to lose patience with this rebellion!" Her face turned an exceedingly unpleasant shade of red and I could see her palms flare up again. I fell to my knees expecting a bolt of fire with my name on it. "Mercy!" I cried. "Mercy?" she said. "What does that mean?" "Um, you know, mercy? As in, have mercy?" "What? What are you blubbering about?" I could see that mercy was a wholly unknown quality to Gruzzela so I stopped blubbering immediately. "Right! You will take me to this elf prince!" "But I don't know where he is!" I moaned. "Do I have to do everything?" she bellowed. "I'll do anything I can to help you! " I cried, hoping to avoid being flambéed. "That's more like it!" she said, her palms returning to a low blue flame. "Now tell me all you know." This did not take long but I threw in a few lies (journalistic licence) to keep her from poaching me. I told her that Blue Wednesday was aware that she knew of his headquarters so he went over the Sea to Elvish Island and the courts of his father. This was, of course, a bit of balderdash, but I had to buy some time to think. "You will sail with me to this Island," she said. "Come, we will ride in my chariot!" Her chariot was a large copper coloured affair pulled by a silvery dragon. As soon as we entered it, she cracked a large whip and cried: "Over the sea, Draco! With all speed!" I cried out directions as we set out for a wholly imaginary island. What she would do to me once she uncovered my ruse I didn't like to think. I decided to find out what was going on. Once a journalist... "I am told that there is no one as powerful as you," I began. Flattery is never a bad way to go when talking with the rich and powerful, I have found. "I am the 'ne plus ultra'!" she said proudly. "Once I have my wand back, there will be no stopping me. "Your wand? But how did the Elves come by it?" "They are filthy thieves!" she shrieked. "It was always to have been mine!" Her voice had the tone that I had heard politicians use when trying to justify something that they should properly be ashamed of, like awarding a government contract to a relative. "How do you mean?" I asked respectfully. "I was the heir of Sir Wroth! I had the keys! I was the Immaculate Thorn! The Wand was rightfully mine!" "I don't understand anything you just said," I said carefully. "That's because you are a mere human! What can you know of the Real World?" "Perhaps, one so wise as you can explain it?" I said. "Wroth made the Wand when he was at the apex of his powers. He concentrated all that he knew or suspected of magic into it. The one who wields it is beyond any other power. I was his heir, holder of the keys to his tower. I was named Immaculate Thorn and I was charged with carrying out his Cleansing Campaign." "Um, Cleansing Campaign?" "The Real World was no longer to be divided between the Children of Severity and the Children of Laxity; the True Worshippers would ascend on high while those who turned from ruthless devotion would be purged! Ha! And I was to be the one who would cast out those limp, soft hearted, brainless ones..." Here, her face became so grim that I could not look on it anymore, but shivered in fear. "You are a True Worshipper?" I said presently. "I, alone." she said glaring at me. Of course, I wanted to ask her who she worshipped, but I held my tongue. She was becoming agitated and an agitated fanatic is not good for the health. Her eyes were red with blood. "Fear not, mortal. Know that soon I shall wreak such vengeance on those Elves that they will never rise again. The Children of Laxity will wail and gnash their teeth! Ha!" "But how did the ...eh Children of Laxity come by your wand?" "When Wroth was on his deathbed and I was trying to nurse him back to health, the elves stole it from the Tower." "And now they wield it against you?" "Oh no, they would not dare do such a thing; they know that only a True Worshipper may use the thing. Elves are not made of stern stuff." We soared over the grey sea and in the distance I could make out a grey island shrouded in mist. It was right where I had indicated that it would be, which I found rather strange. How did I know that an island would be there? "That's the island," I called, thinking that when we landed, I could escape somehow. I will confess to being terrible at thinking on the fly. Those who play chess against me know that I take forever to make a move. I am always considering my steps carefully. But what could I do? We swooped down and came to a crunching halt on a sandy beach. "This is Elvish Island?" asked Gruzzela. "It does not reek of Elvish ways or Elvish blood." "Oh yes," I squeaked. "...Um...no doubt they have clouded their scent to escape detection." Would she buy it? Her face was difficult for me to read even if I dared to look into her terrifying eyes. I got by with tiny glances. "Guard the chariot with Draco while I reconnoitre," she said briskly. "I will get to the bottom of this!" I watched her disappear down the beach and heaved a huge sigh of relief. I looked at the dragon and was surprised to see it peering intently at me, and then a ghost of a smile stole over his scaly face. "What are you going to do when she doesn't find any sign of the elves?" said the dragon. "Pardon me?" I said, gaping a bit. "You heard me. If this is Elvish Island, I'm Robin Red-breast." "How do you know?" I gasped. "Because I happen to know that there is no such place as Elvish Island." "But you followed my directions here!" "Well, it would not do for me to tell Gruzzela that we were on a wild goose chase." "Why ever not?" I asked. "Because I am in league with the Children of Laxity, although we call ourselves the 'Children of Light'. I keep an eye on the Witch so that the elves are protected," said the dragon. "Let's escape then! Let's fly away and join them!" "I can't do that, little human. My job is to pass on intelligence from the enemy camp. If I flee with you, the Witch will know me for a traitor and I will cease to be useful. But, never fear, the elves know exactly where you are." "Will they be able to rescue me?" "That remains to be seen," said the dragon calmly. "You will need your wits about you when she comes back." "I don't know what to do!" I snapped. "Can't I just run off?" "Where would you run to?" asked the dragon sagely. "You're on an island in the middle of nowhere. If you run off, she will know your true colours." "I am doomed," I said hollowly. "Nonsense, we are, all of us, in the hands of God. Don't be afraid, frail one." "I wouldn't have thought that dragons were devout," I said bitterly. "Amazing how much you don't know, when you think about it," said the dragon calmly. "Hush now, I hear her coming. You better have a good explanation!" I heard her before I saw her. She was shouting out all sorts of oaths and I knew that I was doomed. "Here, take this," hissed the dragon. "It will lead the elves to you." He handed me a small silver necklace with a tooth on it. I quickly threw it over my neck and braced myself. She came thundering up the beach and called out, "I have found their lair. Come quickly and we will ambush them!" "Well, that's a bit of luck," hissed the dragon to me. "But how in hell..." I said. "Hurry," shrieked the Witch and so we hurried. It was hard to match her pace as she hurtled through the forest, following a trail marked out with smooth white stones. I stumbled along, trying to understand what was happening to me, like a man trying to break out of a dark dream. At length, she turned around and beckoned to me. "Here, we must be very still. The Elves are directly ahead in the clearing ahead of us. I will cast a Net Spell but it may not be effective over so great a company so be prepared to seize any who may escape," she whispered. Ahead, I could see about a hundred small men massed around a fire. They seemed to be focused on one of their number who was reading from a large red book. Gruzzela lifted her hands on high and started to cry out her spell when suddenly all of the Elves in the clearing disappeared. "It's a cheat!" yelled Gruzzela. "A holograph!" We entered the clearing to see that it was completely empty. My head was spinning. Just then a blazing light sprang up out of the place that the fire had been. I screamed like a little girl, completely blinded and I felt strong hands gather me up and pull me away and then all was blurry. -------------------

"A Witch By Any Other Name"

Once upon a time,there lived a ravishing maid named Clarice. Clarice fancied herself a real aristocrat, having been favoured with milky skin, shimmering black hair and lips the colour of rubies. It is possible that she may have been somewhat proud and disinclined toward a life of labour that her circumstanced demanded.
Clarice might have had all of the accouterments of aristocracy but the painful truth was that she was born the third daughter of a poor cobbler.
Now it would be nice to say that for all her poverty, the radiant beauty that Clarice had was matched by humility and inner loveliness but sadly that was not quite true, for Clarice was filled with self-importance, willfulness and self-centeredness just like a real aristocrat!
One day, when she should have been gathering wood for the fire like her hard-working sisters, Clarice was lollygagging by the stream and day-dreaming of a better life. Perhaps a prince would come by, fall deeply in love with her and take her to his castle to be his queen. Ah yes, a life of luxury and ease. Days filled with wine and roses, to say nothing of chocolate covered caviar!
While she was fantasizing, along came the Magician, Tim fabled in story and song. Tim was just starting out in the magician’s game, having apprenticed until recently with the powerful and deadly Monsieur Nightshade the Malevolent.
Tim was whistling a carefree tune and wondering how he would choose a place to set up his practice.
“Ahoy lackey!” cried out Clarice. “You wouldn’t happen to be a prince would you?”
Tim shrugged and decided to go along with her as a gag. “You may be very sure that I am,” he said, giving her a sweeping bow. “And you, my pretty biscuit, would you happen to be a princess?”
“Oh well, I suppose if you married me I would be,” she riposted cleverly.
“Why should I marry you?” asked Tim, curious to see what the maiden would say.
“You ask me why? Obviously, because I would make an extraordinary queen someday. Did you notice my flawless complexion, my raven tresses and full lips?”
“Oh, but my dear queen-in-waiting. What about a sovereign’s other attributes? Do you have a quick spirit, ready intelligence, compassion and perception?”
“What are those compared to radiant beauty and glowing skin?” asked Clarice haughtily.
“You make a strong case,” said Tim. “I will marry you, but first you must prove yourself to be worthy of my throne.”
“What must I do?” she asked. “Do you not see that I am worthy of your throne? Need I point out my flawless carriage, my alluring dimples and my sparkling teeth?”
“These are very appealing attributes,” said Tim. “But a queen must do more than look queenly, she must also act the part! Thus, you must prove yourself.”
“Oh very well,” sighed Clarice. “What must I do?”
Tim thought for a moment and then something delightful occurred to him: the girl needed a lesson and he needed a job!
“You must prove your intelligence and your creativity!” he announced. “You must dress yourself as an ugly, old woman and your disguise must be so convincing that not even your own mother would recognize you!”
“That doesn’t sound very queenly to me,” complained the maiden.
“Oh, I’m not finished yet,” said the magician. “You must convince the villagers that you are a witch!”
“A witch? But…”
“Don’t interrupt, you must convince the village that you intend to destroy them all.”
“But…”
“You do want to marry me, don’t you?”
“Yes, yes, of course I do!”
“Then snap to it!”
Clarice snapped to it. She stole rags from the scarecrow in the cornfield, made her nose long and sharp with candlewax and and darkened her teeth with soot from an oil lantern. She ground her fingernails to a ragged edge and pushed her hair under a ragged scarf. When she was done, she had transformed herself into a filthy, horrid-looking hag.
“You must do something about your posture,” complained Tim. “You need to practice walking all stooped over!”
Finally, Tim gave her his seal of approval. “That will do very well. Now take this gnarled stick and go to the village. Tell them that you are Gruzella the Witch and that you have decided to put them all under a spell of suffering and anguish. Then cackle a bit and walk into the forest. If you can fool the village, I will know that I have found my bride.”
Gruzella, the pseudo-witch did as she had been instructed and the village was in a complete state of uproar when Tim strolled onto the scene.
“Good villagers, what troubles you?” he cried.
The village elders surrounded Tim and all began talking at the same time. They explained that a witch had taken it upon herself to curse them and what would they do now?
“You problem is really very easy to solve,” he said grandly. “You need a magician. It so happens that I am rather skilled in the dark arts and for a small consideration, I will submit my not trifling skills on your behalf against this foul witch!”
“You want gold?” asked one of the sharper elders.
“Not at all!” he responded. “I want the witch as a wife!”
“You must be mad!” said the elder. “Why would you want to marry a witch?”
“I am a magician. I need a wife who understands the stresses of supernatural living.”
“But why do you need our permission?” asked the stupefied elder.
“Do we have a deal?” said Tim, ignoring the inconvenient question.
“Yes! Yes!” cried all of the other villagers.
“Right then, I will need some certain magical substances to defuse this crisis,” he announced.
“You shall have whatever you need!” cried the villagers. This thought was most appealing to Tim and he rather let himself go a bit.
“First, I must have roast fowl, served with dumplings and bit of cheese, well aged but not too well aged! (It had been some time since his last good meal.) Also a bottle of red wine, but it doesn’t have to be a Grand Cru.”
“But that’s not magical!” protested the villagers.
“Who’s the magician here?” thundered Tim and all of them raced off to prepare his meal.
Meanwhile, the lovely Clarice was hiding in the forest until she had more instructions from Tim. Being a girl of spirit, she soon chafed at being left alone. She was used to the mooning stares of the village men and the jealous sniffs of their wives. She was not accustomed to being ignored.
“Where is he?” she wondered. “What’s taking him so long?” She was half tempted (perhaps even three-quarters) to just go back to the village without her disguise to see what was up. Once the thought occurred to her, it was well nigh impossible to ignore. Finally, after three minutes of inner debate, she rose, scrubbed off her disguise and stalked to the village. She would give the magician a generous serving of her mind!
When Clarice reached the village, she met her own sister Gertruda racing to fetch some cheese and breadsticks for Tim’s feast.
“What’s going on?” asked Clarice.
“Can’t stop to chat,” puffed then full-figured Gertruda, “Magical business!”
“What magical business?” shouted Clarice, but Gertruda was gone.
She stormed into the town centre to see Tim seated at a table, working his way through a roast duck.
“What’s going on?” she hissed.
“Patience, patience, my little princess,” mumbled Tim, wiping the grease from his moustache.
“I was patient half a day ago, now I’m ticked off,” she growled.
“Have some duck,” he said, noting how she looked pointedly at the carcass.
Just then the village cobbler, Clarice’s father, appeared on the scene.
“Clarice! What are you doing with our magician?”
“Nothing Father,” she said curtseying.
“Well, you best be off to help your mother with the dumplings!” he said. “You should not be disturbing our village’s savior,” and at this he tugged a soiled forelock and dragged her home.
Clarice wanted to shriek at her father and beat him with her fists, but the cobbler had a grip like iron and a short temper besides. Tim just smiled and went back to his duck.
The village gathered together watching Tim as he picked his teeth and belched.
“Don’t you need anything more magical than food?” asked the elder.
“A meal like that was magical!” said Tim grandly. “But yes, I need some specific things: a spool, a thimble, and some scarlet silk thread. Also, I will need a colander, an egg whisk and a white rabbit. It would be very helpful if you had two goose eggs and a cup of dandelion tisane.”
The villagers put their heads together and divided up the list among themselves while Tim sipped a glass of wine. If he played his cards right, it might take the villagers the rest of the day to gather his wish list!
Just then, Clarice hissed at him from a nearby bush. “I want to know your plan!”
“What are you doing in that bush?” asked Tim.
“Hiding, you fool! What do you think I’m doing?”
“Why are you hiding?” wondered Tim.
“Because my father will beat me if he catches me talking to you!”
“Well, never mind all that, you need to get your costume on in case I need to throw another scare into the village.”
“Now, wait a minute!” snarled Clarice. “I think I have fulfilled my half of the bargain. I have proven to you that I am resourceful and intelligent!”
“That you have, my dear,” said Tim in a placating tone. “But another appearance of Witch Gruzella will seal the deal! Off you go!”
Grumbling, she went back to the woods to resume her disguise. (And who could blame her? This was vexatious behavior indeed!) No sooner had she gotten all of her hideous make-up on then Clarice heard a savage voice.
“Ha!” said the savage voice, “Competition!” It was a terrifically unpleasant-looking old woman. Clarice was not the sharpest knife in the kitchen drawer, but even she could tell that this old hag was a real witch.
“I am not your competition,” cried Clarice, falling on her knees before the real witch and hoping that she would not be turned into a newt.
“What do ye mean?” growled the real witch. “You’re a witch, ain’t ye?”
“Not at all!” said Clarice, averting her eyes. “I’m just dressed like one!”
“Why does a pretty gel like you want to dress like a Witch. Tis not Carnival, and sure, tis not Venice!” The Witch barked with dry laughter and hawked up a mass of rheumy phlegm.
“I’d better tell you the whole story,” said Clarice.
“Ye’d be wise to,” nodded the Witch.
When Clarice had finished her tale the Witch nodded and chuckled in a mean sort of way. “Yer not terrifically bright, er ye? Well, no mind, my child, I have a plan to will take your friend the prince down a few notches.” The Witch rubbed her knotty hands together cracking her knuckles and cackling, “Ha! That gives me a nasty ideer!”
And so say, the hideous hag transformed herself into the most beautiful maiden that the world would ever see. Her nose would have put Cleopatra’s to shame and as for her comely shape, the Greeks would have ignored Helen of Troy if she was around!
“Why you’re beautiful!” gasped Clarice.
“Ah ‘tis but surface, no?” said the Witch.
“But what are you going to do?” she asked.
“Come and watch!” suggested the Witch.
Clarice hid herself in the bushes and watched the Witch enter the village square. (It would not do for her father to find her out of the house being a busybody.)
Tim rose to his feet with a gasp of amazement. “My lady, you are very welcome here! But, if I may ask, why are you so far from the glorious courts of the Capital, for there in no doubt that you are a princess of a most profound noble house.
But the princess merely smiled. “Are you a worthy man?” she asked the magician.
“Well, I hate to brag, but I am fairly worthy. I am a powerful magician!”
“How thrilling for you!” said the princess in a delightful silvery voice. Tim blushed with pleasure and he had a strong inclination to impress her with his artistry.
“Look to that bird flying over the village green,” said Tim. He raised his left hand and spoke a loud spell. Suddenly the unlucky bird found itself vanish in a puff of smoke.
“Very impressive,” smiled the princess. “But destructive spells are so very simple and not very interesting.”
“Oh, I can construct as well, your majesty,” bowed Tim, a bit perturbed that his exploding bird bit went over so poorly. Tim picked up a smooth white pebble and rubbed it on his forehead while chanting a spell. He set down the rock and it quickly grew to the size of a small cottage.
The princess clapped her hands together and cried for delight. “What a wonderful spell. I do believe that I have found my soulmate!”
“You have?” grinned Tim, not believing his ears. “You want to marry me?”
“If you’ll have me,” simpered the princess.
“I will! Shall we travel to the Court and tell your father now?” asked Tim.
“I cannot wait!” declared the princess. “Let us summon the village priest and commit ourselves this very day!”
In the bushes, Clarice began (very slowly) to realize that her prince was nothing more than a shady magician. Well, he would get his comeuppance, marrying a hideous witch! Serve him right. But meanwhile, what about her? Would she ever find true happiness?
The princess and her magician quickly found the priest who agreed to pronounce the banns that very day.
It was a shocking honeymoon for poor Tim. But in time he learned to appreciate the witch’s magical skills and they became an excellent team. And every so often, for special dates, the Witch would again transform herself into the princess that so captured her husband’s dark heart.

"The Dung Beetle's Wedding"

“What a wonderful story!” enthused Death.
“It was okay,” said the stallion dismissively. “But now what we need is a story with guts!”
“And I imagine that you have such a story?” said Goldie.
“You bet, it’s time for ‘The Dung-Beetle’s Wedding’!”
“How many times do we have to tell you that we don’t want to hear such a crass story?” asked Death.
“It’s different now!” crowed the stallion.
“How is it different?” asked Goldie.
“I re-wrote it so it rhymes! You mares love that kind of classy crap, right?”
“Oh Hoss, it’s not the lack of rhyme in your stories, it’s the lack of a coherent sense of morality,” sniffed Death.
But Hoss drew a deep, druidic breath and began to declaim:

There once was a Dung Beetle, name of Moe
Who loved the fair Charissa and followed her where ever she’d go
Her father, the Dung Beetle king, noticed the romance but stomped his foot “Nay!”
“You can’t marry her, unless your worthiness you can display!”

“Hoss, it really doesn’t need to rhyme to be a classy story!” said Death. “You just need to include some moral lesson or something redemptive.”
“You just listen, then,” said the stallion proudly. “This story will blow you away! Anyway, where was I?”
So Moe and the King of the Dung Beetles had to find a way for Moe to prove himself worthy of the fair Charissa.
“You seem like a nice beetle,” said the King, “but my daughter needs a beetle of resourcefulness and strength; are you that beetle?”
“I sure am!” said Moe. “Just give me a challenge!”
The King mulled it over and then issued the following challenge: “You will accumulate a ball of dung one thousand times your own size and deliver it to me within the fortnight.”
“Uh, but how am I supposed to roll the damn thing?” asked Moe.
“That’s part of the challenge,” smiled the King rubbing his belly in anticipation.
Poor Moe stalked away muttering to himself. How in the world was he supposed to find so much manure? And if he should find it, how to deliver it? There was only one who could help the poor dung beetle: the awesome wizard, Sid!
Sid (if you’ve been following his history) had been an apprentice to a wizard, a goblin, and a vampire, but eventually he tired of being the number two man and he set out on his own. He lived in a little white cottage surrounded by magic trees and animals in the midst of the Very Dark Woods. It wasn’t much of a living because very few people ever dared to enter such a forbidding area but Sid was content. Fortunately for Moe, dung beetles know no fear and soon he was knocking at the wizard’s door.
Sid opened the door and looked around. He shrugged and shut the door. Moe knocked on the door again and this time he yelled, “Down here, you numbskull!”
Hearing the piping voice, Sid looked down with a bemused look on his face.
“Well, well, a dung beetle! How can I help you little one?”
“You’ve got to help me, O Wizard, my king says that I need to gather a dung ball a thousand times my size or he won’t let me marry his daughter!”
“The beautiful Charissa? My, your king certainly drives a hard bargain,” said Sid shaking his head.
“Can you help me?” asked Moe.
“Of course, how about if I shrink you to one thousandth of your present size, then a relatively small dung ball would suffice to get you the king’s daughter plus you could trick the king into the bargain.”
“But my king is not known for his sense of humour. I think he’d just eat me.”
“Then we must increase you a thousand times. Then both the gathering and the delivering of the monster ball of dung would be easy.’
“What do you want in return?” asked Moe.
“Evil Sir Rodney hired me to drive all of his peasants off of his land so he can enclose it and raise sheep. I imagine that they’ll gladly leave when a massive dung beetle starts terrorizing their village!” Sid chuckled.
“That’s pretty evil,” said Moe mournfully.
“I sure is,” said Sid happily. “Will you do it?”
“I guess I’ll have to,” said Moe.
And with that, Sid spoke the magic spell of extreme increase and suddenly Moe shot up to fairly Godzilla-esque proportions.
“Wow!” said Sid. “I am amazingly talented.”
The monster dung beetle just sighed and ambled off to terrorize the poor peasants.
How the villagers screamed and howled when they saw Moe! How they ran, crying and moaning as Moe stomped on a few huts for effect. It was then that he saw a little girl with blond ringlets tied up in a blue ribbon. She was standing frozen to the spot in front of her house. “Why are you doing this?” she cried. Moe felt so ashamed.
“I don’t really know,” he confessed to the little girl.
“Then why don’t you stop?”
Moe sighed deeply and nodded his massive head, “Yeah, I’ll do that. I’m so sorry…”
Back at Sid’s place, Moe hung his head while Sid berated him.
“You call yourself a monster? This kind of soft-heartedness could get me thrown out of the Wizard’s Guild. You stopped because a cute little girl asked you to? Now, I’ve heard everything!”
“Did I mention her ringlets?” asked Moe diffidently.
“Never mind her ringlets! What am I going to tell Evil Sir Rodney? He’s already bought a herd of sheep!”
“You’re the wizard,” said Moe. “Can’t you think of something clever?”
“I did think of something clever,” bellowed Sid. “but you didn’t follow through!”
“I meant something else.”
“Let me put my thinking cap on,” said Sid, reaching for his thinking cap. (It’s one of his most useful inventions; everyone should have one.)
“Got it!” said Sid, after a couple of seconds. “You terrorize Evil Sir Rodney instead! He’ll be too afraid to ask for his money back and all of those panicking sheep should produce more than enough dung for your needs!”
“That’s brilliant!” said Moe, in a voice of awe.
“Yes it is!” agreed the Wizard. “Now get out there and terrorize like you’ve never terrorized before!”
“Well, I haven’t really terrorized at all yet…” started Moe.
“Agh! It’s an expression, you numbskull! Get a move on!”
So Moe trundled off to Sir Rodney’s vast acreage. He was going to pause to help the poor peasants repair the huts that he had pushed over, but they shrieked so much to see him coming that he thought the better of his plan.
Sir Rodney’s castle was surrounded by a very deep moat, but fortunately the drawbridge was down, so Moe went into the keep and started doing things that struck him as being terrifying: ripping up bits of wall and throwing things around in a messy manner until the sobbing Rodney begged him to leave him in peace. Moe left him with a copy of Sid’s bill and set out to terrorize the sheep.
The sheep bleated and bellowed in most satisfactory manner leaving masses of freshly deposited dung that the happy beetle rolled up and out of the field. Pushing the steaming manure in front of him, Moe reflected what an extraordinarily good day I was having. He whistled a cheery tune as he rolled the massive orb of manure to the King’s habitation.
“Well,” said the King with a hushed voice, “That is one monstrous ball of dung.”
“It certainly is,” said Moe, “When shall we have the wedding?”
The king rubbed his hands together (or whatever dung beetles have instead of hands) and began to whimper, “How can I allow my daughter to marry such a huge beetle as you? You’d crush her on her honeymoon!”
“Oh! Of course,” said Moe smacking his head. “Don’t worry, I’ll get the wizard to change me back.”
“Yeah, you do that,” said the King.
______________
“You gave Evil Sir Rodney the bill?” asked Sid.
“I sure did,” nodded Moe. “Now if you could switch me back?”
“Of course I will,” smiled Sid in a rather nasty manner. “But for another difficult magic act I will expect some recompense…”
The dung beetle sighed, fighting the temptation to rip the Wizard into little bits and shrugged, “What do you want me to do?”
“Oh, nothing too stretching for you. I need you to go to Xanadu, to the stately pleasure dome of the Great Emperor. He has something that belongs to me.”
“What?”
“A golden ring.”
“How does the Emperor come to have your golden ring?”
“Let’s just say that he’s not as dumb as he looks.”
“But…”
“Look, never mind how he comes to have my ring. I want it back! If you ever want to get hitched you’ll do what I tell you!” Moe sighed deeply.
“How do I get to this pleasure dome and once I get there how am I supposed to sneak in?” asked Moe.
“Here is a map, just follow the sacred river, Alph. It shouldn’t take you very long with your long legs! And take this vial of magic dust. Once you are in sight of Xanadu, just sprinkle yourself with it and you’ll be transformed!”
“Transformed into what?” asked Moe, fearing the worst.
“You’ll be one of the eagle men of Xanadu; you’ll totally fit in and you’ll be able to fly.”
“Can’t you change me into an eagle man now?”
“The dust has a short shelf life. You’ll only get to be an eagle man for an hour or so…”
“How will I know your ring, assuming that I’m not captured and tortured instead?”
“It has certain markings on the inside.”
“Could you be more specific?”
“No, now beat it before I turn you into a gopher or something.”
“That would be an improvement,” grumbled Moe to himself.
_______________
Xanadu sparkled in the summer sun. The pleasure dome had a thousand diamond windows to catch and refract the sun so it hurt Moe’s eagle eyes to look on it. The sky was full of other eagle men and women, dipping into the thermals and gliding over the mountains that rimmed in the fabled land.
Moe tipped the vial carefully above his head and shivered as the dust did its work. Best not to use all of the precious dust at one go. He could feel his back throb where wings were pushing through, and a feeling like being kicking in the gut hit him as his beetle shell softened and turned a golden color. He wiggled his shoulders and saw silvery wings dipping to and fro. Moe laughed and walked along a path that was pebbled with emeralds. Where should he look first? If the Emperor’s valuables were anywhere, they would be in the dome, thought Moe.
He wandered through a ruby portal, nodding confidently (he hoped) to the door keeper. Inside the dome, he walked past fruit trees laden with fruit and weeping shrubs heavy with flowers. There was so many pleasurable smells that Moe felt quite dizzy; the mingled scents of sandalwood, jasmine, quince and orange blossoms filled the air. He made his way to the great palace at the centre of the dome. It was made completely of a golden crystal. Moe walked through a great portal and there on a throne was the Emperor himself.
“Hail, Dung Beetle!” said the Emperor lifting his hand in greeting.
“Um,” said Moe, quite tongue-tied.
“You have come for this ring?” said the Emperor displaying it on his hand.
“Uh well…” What was the use of lies with one who obviously knew everything? He nodded.
“Did the Wizard tell you how I come to have his ring?” asked the Emperor.
“He wouldn’t say,” said Moe.
“He lost it in a game of chance. He came here filled with desire for riches and believed that I was a ‘good mark.’ He attempted to cheat me at a game he called mumbojumbo. Obviously, he did not realize that I can see the invisible and can hear the unspoken.”
“So, really, you cheated him?” asked Moe.
The Emperor sighed. “Yes, I did and I have been somewhat ashamed of my actions for all this time! I just wanted to teach him a lesson, you see.” Hmm, thought Moe to himself, this was sounding a bit like rationalization.
“Well, if you want to make amends, I can take his ring back to him.”
“That would be best, except for one thing…”
“Yes?”
“I don’t really want to give it up!”
“Oh…but how can you make amends if you don’t?”
“It is a perplexing problem,” admitted the Emperor.
“What is the big deal with the ring anyway? It looks like something you can buy at any caravan on the Silk Road.”
“It has the power to make its wearer invisible,” said the Emperor. “You have no idea how handy it is to be able to walk around Xanadu and hear what my people are really saying about me, not just the flattery they give me to my face.”
“You saw me transform into an eagle man?”
“Of course! And I thought to myself, ‘Hmmm… a giant beetle suddenly becomes an eagle-man. This can be the work of none other than Sid!”
“Is there a way that I can somehow earn the ring?” asked Moe, with a feeling of doom. “I need to return the ring to Sid or I will never be my right self again and I’ll never marry the lovely Charissa!”
“Hmmm, I see your point,” nodded the Emperor. “Do you, by any chance play mumbojumbo?”
“I’m a dung beetle,” said Moe. “Cards are not what we do.”
“You’ll find it delightfully easy to learn!” said the Emperor with gusto.
“I also don’t have any money,” said Moe.
“Oh,” said the Emperor, disappointment on every line of his face. But then he brightened, “Surely you have something worth betting? A pin? A baseball card? Some first editions?”
“I’m a dung beetle,” said Moe. “All we possess is dung!”
“Very well then,” said the Emperor (who was desperately addicted to gambling). “Bring me a mound of dung and you can play for the ring of power!”
“This is nuts…” said Moe to himself but he wandered off to find some fresh dung. He waited until the magic dust wore off and he became a beetle once more. He stuck his head up in the wind and sniffed. Ah fresh dung! He trundled off until he came to a large barn full of every conceivable horse. There were bays, appaloosas, palominos and chestnuts. There were quarter horses and thoroughbreds, Arabian chargers and Morgans. What a wonderful smell!
Moe started in one corner and in no time he had amassed a sizeable ball of dung. Whistling happily (how wonderful fresh dung is!) he rolled the steaming globe out of the stable, down the emerald paths and into the royal enclosure.
The Emperor sat at a large ebony table restlessly shuffling a deck of cards. His eyes lit up to see the dung beetle. He lay down the cards and pretended to evaluate the dung.
“That is a fine mound! It should be worth twenty golden coins!” He handed the dung beetle some lovely ivory chips. “Please sit down and I will tell you how to play,” he said, perspiration beginning to dot his forehead. The Emperor’s hands trembled as he dealt the cards.
“Now the point of the game is to collect the greatest proportion of face cards with the minimum number of cards that show the eagle’s wings. We gamble on which type of card gets turned up next. Is that clear?”
“As mud,” grumbled the beetle, but he played his first hand.
“Oo,” said the Emperor, “A unified deuce! Are you sure you’ve never played before?”
“I’m a dung beetle,” Moe said. “Does this mean I win?”
“Obviously!” said the Emperor tartly, dealing again and wiping sweat from his wrinkled brow.
Moe picked up another card. It was the Duke of Dorking surrounded by angels. He laid it down. “This is a face card, right?”
“My heavens: an undisputed trump-meister!” said the Emperor hollowly. “And right after a unified deuce! Do you know the odds of that?”
“I’m a dung beetle,” Moe reminded him. “So I win again?”
The Emperor started to shuffle again and a drop of sweat rolled off of his nose onto the table. Moe started to whistle again. The Emperor glared at him so Moe stopped.
The moaning Emperor dealt fresh cards. Moe noticed that his cards had an interesting balance of green and blue just like the cards that the Emperor laid down from the deck. They were a perfect match, so Moe laid them down.
“Hey, this is that match you talked about, right?”
“A flawless flip-over? How did you do it?” babbled the poor sweating monarch. “Either you are the luckiest dung beetle ever to walk the planet or you are a foul cheater! Be frank, Beetle! Did Sid work his magic over you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” said Moe crisply. “You brought up the card game not me!”
“Yes, yes…I can see it now. You’ve both played me like a fool!” thundered the trembling man. “I will throw you into the deepest dungeon! I will roast you in a fire! I’ll freeze you in a mountain of ice!”
“You are the worst loser I’ve ever met,” said Moe disgustedly.
“What did you say?” shrieked the Emperor, droll flying from his mouth.
“I said: you are the absolute worst loser that I have ever had the displeasure to meet!” roared Moe.
And then, the old man deflated like a beach ball at a porcupine convention. His head felt to his hands and he sobbed like a schoolgirl.
“You’re right! I am the worst loser ever!” cried the old man, snot oozing from his nose.
“Uh well…listen, I’m sorry for being critical…” said Moe.
“No, no, you were quite right. I have a monumental problem. I need help!” said the Emperor brokenly.
“So you’ll give me the ring?” asked Moe, striking while the iron was hot.
“Of course, I will,” said the Emperor, handing over the ring. “And what’s more, I promise now, on my word of honour, never ever to gamble again! From now on it’s a life of recovery for me!”
“Well, that’s great,” said Moe, picking up the ring quickly before the Emperor could change his fragile mind. “Uh, good luck with that recovery thing!”
Moe upended the rest of the vial over his head and became once more an eagle man. Why not fly home? He gripped Sid’s ring tightly and flew for the cottage. He alighted on the fringe of the forest and waited for the effect of the dust to fade away.
A beetle once more, Moe slipped the ring over one of his enormous legs and disappeared. He tiptoed into the Wizard’s cottage.
“Ah, you did it,” said Sid brightly. He was seated in front of a fire wearing a pair of rose-coloured spectacles.
“You can see me?” asked Moe stupidly.
“I’m wearing my special specs,” he said grandly. “They see the molecules of air that you are displacing…”
“Say what?”
“Yes, I can see you,” sighed Sid. “Now, how about my ring?”
“First you have to transform me back into my regular size and promise not to make me do anything like that again!” said Moe.
“I said I would, didn’t I?” demanded the wizard, testily.
“Your sense of honour could use a little work,” suggested the dung beetle.
“Etiquette tips from a dung beetle? Now I’ve heard everything,” said Sid, but he reached for his book of spells anyway. He said the incantation and soon Moe was back to normal.
“The ring, if you please?” asked Sid.
“With pleasure,” said the dung beetle. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must see the king about his daughter.

The Dutchess of Bedlam

Julie gazed at the stars. Even at her young age, she recognized some of the constellations from her tutor’s description. That had to be the Big Dipper up there but where was the Little Dipper? A sudden wind came up and Julie realized that she was feeling chilled. She huddled her mother’s fur coat around her narrow shoulders and shivered. She brushed her cheeks and felt the cooling tears there. She sniffled and wiped her nose on the back of her hand. In spite of herself, she almost smiled. Her Governess, Miss Rupert, would glare at her for such unladylike behavior.
She tried to sing so she wouldn’t feel so lonely, but she choked on the words to the lullaby and it made her feel even worse. She continued to search the sky for the Little Dipper, but to no avail. She noticed that the North Star on the Big Dipper was shining especially brightly. Brighter and brighter, bigger and bigger until it’s light seemed to swallow up the roof top. Julie was frightened and scrunched her eyes tight.
Behind her closed lids, she could see the bright pink fade away and she chanced a little peek. In front of her was a tiny women dressed all in fluttering feathers or streamers or something.
“Who are you,” choked Julie. “What are you?”
“You may call me Solemnity, my dear,” said the woman, “but as to what I am that is a mystery, a riddle.”
“What is the riddle?”
“The riddle? It is this: what is bigger than the Universe, yet smaller than a pinhead? What is as far away as East is from the West but closer than your own heart?”
“I don’t know,” said Julie, her lip trembling.
“Ah, my little darling, you will know someday.”
“Why have you come to me?” asked Julie.
“I heard you crying. Why are you weeping, darling?”
“Because my mother just died…”
“Oh my dear one, your mother is not dead.”
“But they told me she died…she was closed up in her room for the longest time. They wouldn’t let me see her because they said she was contagious. This afternoon, they told me that she had finally died of it.”
“I’m sorry, dearest, but they are all lying to you,” said Solemnity primly.
“Then what is the truth?” said Julie, in a very small voice.
“Your mother is very sick, Julie. She is cloaked in a great sorrow that no one could lift, a blackness that would admit no light. Your father is powerless to break through her torment. Finally, his advisors told him that it was his duty to put her away and seek a new consort.”
“Where is my mother?”
“She is in Bethlem Hospital, the home of sorrows.”
“Is it a real place?”
“My darling girl, it is too real a place.”
“Then I must rescue her!”
“How will you do this, sweetheart?”
“I don’t know,” said Julie, twisting tendrils of hair in her index finger. “Will you help me?”
“I will,” said the woman, “but you must know that you will be the only one to see or hear me.”
“Why?”
“It’s the Rules, dear heart and we must obey them.”
“I don’t always obey Governess’ rules,” said Julie in a wheedling voice.
“Her rules are fussy and largely culturally determined, and yet, the habit of obedience is worth cultivating, you know, my child.”
“How shall we rescue Mother?” asked Julie.
“My dear girl, I don’t have all of the answers…first we must go to Bethlem and see what we shall see.”
Julie and the woman ran quickly through the back garden and dodged the sentries at the gate. They got to the High Road and started walking for London. A farmer with a wagonload of corn saw the little girl walking and offered her a lift into the city. The two hopped onto the load of corn and drifted through Bishopsgate into the heart of the city. She thanked the farmer profusely. He doffed his cap with a smile and drove off.
“Where is Bethlem?” Julie asked the old woman.
“Hmm,” said the woman, consulting a small book she pulled from her purse. “It should be here…dear me, dear me…” At that moment, an elderly female beggar came up to Julie and asked her for alms. Julie pulled a penny from her small bag and dropped it into the woman’s tin cup.
“Ah bless ye, darlin’. May God show ye favour for yer kindness,” cackled the old woman.
“What is your name, Ma’am?”
“Och, the darling girl calls me ‘Ma’am’, sure, ye can just call me old Sally!”
“Sally, then, can you tell me how to find Bethlem Hospital?”
Sally pointed to a tin badge on her sleeve. “I were a Bedlamite, ‘for they let out. Why does a charmer like ye want to know where such an awful place is?”
“Please Sally, you must tell me where it is!”
“They moved Bedlam to the Moorfields to Finsbury Circus. Why would quality like ye want to go there?” asked Sally insistently. “Ye don’t look like one of those society women who pays a penny just to gawk at the inmates or poke ‘em with poles to watch ‘em cry!”
“What a horrid idea!” cried Julie. “You can’t be serious!”
“It’s the God’s truth, milady. Ye pays a penny and they gives ye a peek, cept for the first Tuesday when it is free admission.”
“How can the tormented be treated so?” asked Julie.
“Well, they say as how the inmates brung it on themselves for wicked lives…”
“Such folly,” whispered Solemnity to Julie.
“But I were a good woman and still I was confined to Bedlam…” muttered Sally.
“Would you show me how to get to Moorfields?” asked Julie.
“Och no, ye cannot ask it of me…I don’t dare go back there!” and Sally erupted into loud tears. Julie was tongue-tied and tried to pat Sally on the back but the little woman shook her head and took Julie by the arm.
“We must go, dear one,” she said. “It will take us the better part of a day to walk to Finsbury Circus.”
_____________________
They call me the Duchess for that is what I am: the Duchess of Bedlam.
My butler, Bellamy, opened the shades and wished me a good morning. I may have to replace him; he is entirely too forward for one of his class. He is always telling me to prepare myself for society visits all the livelong day. Have I given so many invitations to tea? My memory is not what it once was. I suppose I must depend on Bellamy in spite of his lack of good manners.
I could not leave my bed. I was somehow restrained. I looked at my legs. Were they fixed to the bed frame? Was I once again in Purgatory? I could feel a shriek of torment building up in my chest and then out it came tumbling, tumbling, tumbling…
“Now, listen to me Duchess, you’ll do no good crying out like that. You must wait for the visitors to come. They’ll give you a reason to howl!” It was Beelzebub, himself, the dark lord of Purgatory! Sometimes it was Bellamy and sometimes Beelzebub. I get confused. I get confused. I get confused.
____________
“Is that it?” asked Julie. The old woman consulted her book and nodded.
“It looks like a prison,” said Julie fearfully.
“It does,” nodded the old woman. “Are you determined to go through with your plan?”
Julie just nodded, her lips pursed into a bloodless line. Together they passed down a tree-lined boulevard, past twin statues of madmen, naked and enchained, and approached the massive front door. A fat man guarded the door collect pennies in a polished wooden box. We joined the line of people waiting to gain admission. I shuddered to look at the faces of those in front of me, all dressed up for an outing. I could hear their refined voices discussing what they would likely see.
“They say the loonies are most base,” said a well dressed lady to her companion.
“They are under the judgment of God for their moral turpitude,” said her companion wisely, sniffing a pinch of snuff. “Really, milady, what can you expect?”
“Hope we see a good fight,” said a beetle-browed man, “I brought a stick to stir ‘em up!” He brandished a stout staff of ash.
“Disgusting,” said Solemnity to Julie who only squeezed her eyes shut.
Eventually, Julie dropped in her penny and passed with the woman into the building.
______________
Bellamy takes reasonably good care of me. He takes care to announce visitors in respectful tones, never forgetting their titles and addresses. He brought me two ladies just now, the Countess of Albany and the Marquise of Kent. It is curious that I have never met them before. They are full of questions about my summer home here and the delicious doings of the fashionable set back in London. They prattle on about balls and teas, receptions and garden parties. I cannot read their faces; they almost seem to be mocking me…no, that is foolish. They are becoming very quickly members of my inner circle, my confidants. It is to them that I share my dissatisfaction with the help here and how one can never seem to find a capable cook!
Their faces are beginning to leer, again…oh God, they are demons in disguise! Once again, the room is spinning and I see the world the way it really is: I am in the third circle of Hell, the smoke and sparks of Purgatory, and these are but demons with mocking faces and cutting words. I am damned, damned…I have committed the unforgivable sin, I know that I have! I struggle against my restraints, hoping to strike at the cruel demons. They are laughing now and feign fear. I will kill them! No, I will kill myself. No, I am already dead. My thoughts are so confused. So confused. So confused.
______________
Julie saw her mother lying in a bed with manacles securing her arms to the side of the bed. She was being observed by two well-dressed ladies.
“Courage, dear heart…” counseled Solenmity. “She may not know you.”
“She will!” said Julie, but in her heart she was not so sure.
She walked up to her mother, pushing past the tittering old harpies, and then stopped. Her mother looked at her but her eyes were vacant. Then at once, her eyes changed, becoming wild and fevered. She burst into a raving diatribe: “I know you! You are one of the imps, come to torment me! Begone, you evil creature! I’ll kill you!”
“Oh dear,” said one of the overstuffed harpies, “The Duchess of Bedlam is venomous today! Hark at her; she wants to kill everybody!”
Julie’s tongue cleaved to the roof of her mouth and she slumped with weariness and shock. Solemnity came to her side, an invisible presence of peace. Julie took heart and swallowed raggedly.
“Mother! Don’t you know me?” she cried.
“Julie?” said the Duchess, her eyes momentarily focusing. “Julie, is that you? What are you doing here?”
“I’ve come to take you home, Mother.”
“How did you get to Purgatory?” said her mother, in a different voice: a grey, leaden voice.
“Mother, this is not Purgatory; you aren’t dead!” cried Julie.
“Not in Purgatory? Not dead?” asked the Duchess, her voice rising in a scream, “How do you explain those demons? The stench of brimstone and ashes? Who are you really?”
“Mother! It’s really me, Julie! You have to think clearly!” Solemnity gently pressed her shoulder and drew her away from the shrieking woman in the bed. Julie walked out of Bedlam silently weeping.
“Don’t despair, dear one,” counseled the old woman. “Your mother has fallen under a curse, but not an irreversible one.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I saw her upon her bed, I noticed that she had a mark on the side of her neck. It looked to me to be the tooth marks of a Raver.”
“A raver? What is that?”
“Ravers are the dark servants of powerful wizards. Someone has paid a wizard to put your mother under a curse!” said the old woman grimly.
“What can we do?” cried Julie.
“We must find out which wizard is behind this and see if we can persuade him to counteract the spell.”
“How can we find out?”
“We must put on our thinking caps, my little one. Think carefully, who would possibly want to harm your mother?”
“My mother is a wonderful woman,” wept Julie. “Nobody could possibly hate her!”
“Your father then? Does he have enemies?”
Julie sniffed and thought. Her father was a powerful man and powerful men tend to pick up enemies. “I think he does…” she said.
“Very good, my dear. If we find your father’s enemies, we find the wizard!” said the old woman grimly.
“But how can we do that?” asked Julie.
“We must find someone with loose lips back at your estate,” nodded the old woman.
“My father’s friend, Lord Ashleigh, has always been very fond of me,” said Julie, thinking cap firmly on her head.
“Let us go speak with him, then,” said the old woman.
______________
Lord Ashleigh lived quite near Julie’s home and he was delighted to see her.
“Ah Julie, m’dear girl, how goes it with your father?” Julie noticed that he didn’t inquire about her mother; he must know that she was in Bedlam.
“He’s well enough, sir,” she said politely. “But I think he’s worried…”
“Worried, eh? Well, no doubt he has much to think about.”
“Does my father have enemies, Lord Ashleigh?” asked Julie.
“Who does not have enemies, m’dear?” sighed Ashleigh.
“Who is his greatest enemy, would you say?”
“That would be the Baron D’Arcy, a vile man, for all his title!” grunted Ashleigh.
“Why does he hate my father?” asked Julie.
“They were both rivals for your mother’s affections long ago,” he said, with a smile of reminiscence on his ruddy face. “Those were younger days, m’dear girl…”
“Thank you, Lord Ashleigh…”
“Whatever for, dear thing?” But Julie just kissed him on his grizzled cheek and scampered out of the room.
_______________
“How do we find Baron D’Arcy?” asked Julie.
“Your father would know,” said the old woman.
“He’ll want to know why I want to know,” said Julie thoughtfully.
“Then you’ll have to be very subtle, won’t you,” said the old woman tartly.
In the end, Julie waited until her father was full of good wine at his lonely table and got him to speak of the old days, when he first met her mother. D’Arcy came up and Julie babbled on about how much better her Daddy was than the nasty Baron. After a very draining evening of her father’s stories, tears and recriminations, Julie had the information that she needed: D’Arcy was to be found on the fringes of the Dark Wood of Blethley, near the river Bibbo.
The next morning with her horse saddled and a believable lie in the ear of her father, Julie and the old woman rode for Blethley.
The Baron turned out to be tall, dark, handsome and utterly charming. Julie was astounded. She had expected someone much less attractive. The Baron was honest (or seemed so to Julie’s innocent ears.)
“Yes, I remember your mother, the lovely Helen. Gad, what a fine woman, what a fine figure of a woman…a veritable Aphrodite! Oh, but I am embarrassing you! Now, what can I do for you?”
“So you didn’t pay a wizard to attack her with a Raver?”
“What? No, good heavens no! How could you think such a thing true of a nobleman like I? Look carefully into my eyes,” he said holding her shoulders gently. His voice was like silk pulled over the strings of a violin. “I would never hurt your mother…I would never hurt your father. Could you really think that I would do such a thing?”
Julie saw that the Baron could never have…
“He’s lying,” whispered the old woman to Julie. Julie shook her head. How could he be lying? He was a noble, handsome man, with nothing but sincerity on his face. She shook her head again. Was he hypnotizing her?
“You’re…lying,” she managed to choke out. The baron’s eyes flashed. “Fine! I’m lying! So what? What can you do about it?” His face was hard and turning ugly.
“I came here to beg you to reverse the spell! Please Baron D’Arcy, I’ll do anything you like, just remove my mother’s madness!”
“Anything I like? Hmmm.” He looked at Julie in a very nasty way. “Will you stay with me and be my servant until I tire of you?”
“Y…yes…”she said with a shaky voice.
“Right!” said D’Arcy. He went into another room and when he came back he had a vial of black liquid. “Take this and give it to your mother. It will counteract the Raver’s bite. When you’ve finished, I will expect you back here. Do you understand?”
“Yes…”
“And don’t dawdle on the way, there are pots to scrub and cinders to sweep! If you’re not here within the fortnight, I’ll set a Raver on you!”
_____________
The imp is back to torture me! I struggle with my hellish chains but it is to no avail. She is holding a vile liquid to my lips and forcing me to drink. I choke on the tar and brimstone and spit it back in its face but the imp is tickling my throat so I cannot help but swallow. I am dying, not I am already dead, no…where, where am I?
“Where am I?” asked Helen, blinking her eyes. “Julie, is that you?”
“Oh mamma,” sobbed the little girl hugging her mother as best she could. “I’ve come to take you home!”
And she did. Julie rejoiced to see her father’s eyes light up when her mother entered her home again. That night, they celebrated with music, song and dancing and much feasting. Julie’s heart felt like a lump of lead. She knew that within the fortnight she must find her way back to the evil Baron.
Finally, the dreaded day arrived. Julie gathered together her most prized possessions and then slid out of the palace onto the High Road again. The old woman greeted her with a smile and together they walked to D’Arcy’s castle.
That night, after a joyless banquet, the Baron was deep in his cups.
“You know, girlie, I was not always the man you see now. Once I was good! I was a goodie-goodie without equal. Thas right!”
“You’re drunk,” said Julie, with accuracy and judgment intertwined in her pursed lips.
“I sure am!” agreed the Baron. “But tha’ doesn’t mean tha’I’m not tellin’ the trush!”
“What is the truth?” asked Julie.
“I’m unner a shpell too!” announced the Baron with a flourish.
“Hmmm,” said Julie.
“Ish true! I’m unner a curse. Joo think I wanted to put yer Musher under a ravening shpell? I loved her!”
“Nice way to show it,” whispered Julie.
“Y’see, when I was young, I used to hang ‘round wish this Wizard, ‘Tonius…and when I tried to make him stop, y’know, doin’ wicked shings, he got mad an’ put me unner a curse. Tha’s why I’m sho evil.”
“So you say you’re under a curse for being good?” asked Julie.
“I’m tellin’ you the truth, girlie-girl…”
The old woman leaned to speak in Julie’s ear, “He’s telling the truth, my dear…”
“Is there any way to break the spell?” asked Julie.
“Ish impossible. ‘tonius’ shpell ish a triple improbability shpell!”
“What is a triple improbability spell?”
“Y’can only break it by doing three impossible things.”
“Impossible or improbable?” asked Julie, who was really rather a brilliant girl. But the Baron had fallen into a boozy slumber.
The next morning at breakfast, Julie decided to help the evil Baron.
“Last night, you said…”
“Could you hold your chatter, little girl? I have a deuce of a headache today…” moaned the Baron.
“I’m going to help you break the curse,” said Julie. The Baron laughed mirthlessly and then massaged his sodden scalp.
“Impossible to break the spell. Antonius is too good a wizard for that…”
“What are the three improbable tasks?” asked Julie.
“All I have to do is fill the Bottomless Bucket, untangle the Tapestry of Insanity and reweave it as Clarity, and overcome the Completely Black Pit. A piece of cake really!” said the Baron with a flash of anger.
“Have you ever tried to do these three things?” asked Julie.
“No, because I really enjoy being evil,” said the Baron with understandable sarcasm. “Of course I tried, but I always failed. They are deeds that can’t be done.”
“Where is the Bottomless Bucket?” asked Julie.
“Antonius hung it in the center of my fields so I could look on it every day and despair!” said the Baron in a toneless voice.
Julie tiptoed out of the dining room to see what she could do.
“What do you think?” she asked the old woman. The bucket was hung on a gilded post in the very center of a grassy field.
“Hmm…” muttered the old woman. “How does one fill a bottomless container?”
“I don’t know,” shrugged Julie.
“I would suggest putting a bottom on,” said the old woman.
“Wouldn’t that be cheating?” asked Julie.
“I didn’t know that evil Wizards were governed by rules, per se,” said the old woman tartly.
They took the bucket to a blacksmith, where a new bottom was installed.
“There!” said the old woman. “That should hold water!”
“You’re sure this isn’t cheating?” asked Julie.
“Sometimes the great solutions are the simple ones,” said the old woman sagely, neatly sidestepping her objections.
The Baron was delighted. “You put on a bottom. Yes, of course, you did! Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Because, it’s cheating?” asked Julie, not willing to let go of her concerns.
“Cheating, schmeating,” snorted the Baron. “Well done, little girl. Now the Tapestry! Shall I show it to you?” And so saying, he drew her up to a high tower where on the wall was affixed the most dreadful, warped, tormented tapestry that Julie had ever seen.
“What do you think?” asked the Baron.
“Um…”
“How will you fix it?”
“Um,” said Julie again. “I’ll go and think about it…”
Outside, Julie had a conference with the old woman.
“Did you see it?” asked Julie. The old woman nodded.
“How will we fix it?”
“No idea,” said the old woman shrugging her shoulders. “I enjoy perfect clarity of thought; that tapestry is utterly beyond my ken…”
“My mother!” shouted Julie.
“Eh?”
“My mother would understand it; she knows what it is to be insane…but…”
“But?”
“Well, wouldn’t it be dreadful for her to have to see it, after all she’s been through?”
“It would,” said the old woman gravely.
“I can ask her,” said Julie.
_____________________
“This is exactly what madness is like,” said Helen, looking at the tapestry. “Look how the purples clash with the oranges here?” she said, pointing and shuddering.
“Can you fix it, Mum?” asked Julie.
“I can,” she said serenely.
Helen took apart almost every part of the tapestry but kept a corner that seemed to depict a few threads of sanity. It was on this corner that Helen built, extending the color scheme and adding subtle woven blends to indicate deliverance and sanity. The whole work was now shot through with compassion and healing, using even the pain from the previous tapestry to illustrate redemptive suffering.
“It is done,” said Helen triumphantly, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
“It’s beautiful,” said Julie, her eyes moist.
__________
“How did you do it?” asked D’Arcy.
“I had an understanding helper,” she said.
“The last task is the most difficult,” warned the Baron.
“Where is this Completely Black Pit?” asked Julie.
“It is in the depths of the Hopeless Despair Forest, up against the cliffs of Self-Loathing, one week’s walk to the west. It is a grim place!”
“Hmm,” said Julie on her way out. “Did you hear?” she asked the old woman.
“I did,” she said calmly.
“What do we do?”
“Let’s go and see what we may see,” she said.
They finally reached the forest late at night. It was bleak, just as advertised.
“Brrr,” said Julie. “Let’s sleep out here in the open!”
“I completely agree,” said the old woman.
Next morning, the sun shone with vigour and the birds sang with great joy. Easy for them, they didn’t have to go into the forest. In the light of day, it was still horrible to gaze on. The dark trees seemed to such the life out of Julie and all she could feel was despair and hopelessness.
“This is crazy,” she murmured. “We’ll never be able to deal with the Pit if we can’t even go into the forest!”
“Ask for help,” counseled the old woman.
“Ask who?” wondered Julie.
“Just ask!”
“Well, alright, ummm…help somebody, help us get into the forest and fix the pit!”
At that moment, the old woman began to glow along the folds of her garment. Her dull, grey hair began to shine and turn a fiery red colour. And then the hair flamed into fire. Her skin, once wrinkled and pale began to turn silvery and then golden as though all of the impurities in her were being caught up in a refining fire.
“Wow!” said Julie in a hushed voice.
The old woman stood before Julie as an angel of flame.
“Now let us go into the forest and find this pit,” laughed the angel. Together they walked along the forest and where ever the angel walked the dreariness and failure faded before her. Soon the very shadows were illuminated and the trees danced with light, like slaves suddenly released. The birds followed the two into the forest, reclaiming the trees and singing as though their tiny hearts would burst.
And there was the pit:a dark malevolent depression reeking of fear and doubt.
“What now?” asked Julie, her hope still fragile within her.
“You must throw me in!” said the angel.
“What? No, I can’t!”
“You must,” smiled the angel.
“I’m afraid…” said Julie.
“Perfect love knows no fear,” said the angel and walked to the edge of the pit.
“My love must not be very perfect,” said Julie in a tiny voice.
“Mine is,” said the angel. “This is my part.” Julie pushed her gently and down she fell. A shrieking came from the pit, but it wasn’t the angel because Julie could hear her laughing as she fell. An explosion of light came from the depth and living water rose to the surface. Julie blinked her eyes as the pit became a quiet pool full of peaceful waters.
“The spell is broken, now go and be full of joy,” said a voice on the breeze that blew through the transformed forest.
Julie went back to see D’Arcy before she went home. He was a man transformed: all of the cynicism and brutality was gone and his eyes were bright and lively.
“How can I repay you?” he asked.
“It’s not me you’d have to repay,” she said quietly.
_______________
They say that if you follow the river Bibbo, you will find the formerly dark forest and if you follow the forest path to the center of the wood that you can still see the pool. If you sit and look into the depths, perhaps you’ll see eyes looking back at you.

The Stallion's Tale

The Stallion’s Tale

“Oh Death,” laughed Goldie, “what a wonderful story!”
“Yeah, yeah…it ended well,” said the stallion. “Now it’s my turn!”
“Very well,” sighed Goldie.
“This one is called “The Death-Dealing Goblin of Derbyshire!”
“Lovely, Hoss…”

Once upon a time (or it may have been just yesterday) there lived a humble tinker named Sid. Sid was only a tinker but he really wanted to be a magician, the greatest magician that the world had ever seen.
He knew that the warlock who lived on the edge of the Dark wood had super powers so he decided to offer himself as an apprentice to him so he could learn magic! The warlock (whose name was Virus the Venomous) needed help so he took Sid on and assigned him the job of cutting wood and drawing water. He told him that he would teach him one magic trick a day, if he worked well.
Sid hated working like a slave but it would be worth it if he could be like the warlock. And each day, true to his promise, Virus the Venomous taught him a magic trick: how to disappear, how to fly like a starling, how to read minds, and how to raise the almost dead.
One day, a delegation of villagers came to Virus’ castle.
“Drat!” said the warlock, “They’ve come to drive me out again. This always happens when the crops fail or the village well goes dry!”
But Virus was wrong this time, the villagers came to Virus to ask him to help them with a problem that they had. Apparently, they were under siege by a particularly wretched Goblin, the size of a small house with glistening fangs, razor sharp claws, and a nasty disposition. He slaughtered the cows, ate the goats and terrified the sheep. They had tried to drive him of with pitchforks, burning torches and bull mastiffs but the Goblin had only laughed cruelly and dispatched the dogs with his bandy arms, tearing off their heads and using them as footballs, kicking them back into the village!
“Disgusting!” said Death.
“Now, now, dear, let him tell his horrible story!” said Goldie.
“Where was I?” said Hoss. “Oh yes, the dogs’ heads…”
The villagers wept and begged the warlock to help them, reasoning that it took evil-doer to deal with evil.
“I’ll help you if you can meet my price,” said Virus.
“What’s your price?” asked the village headman.
“I’m not going to tell you yet,” he smiled evilly, “After the Goblin is dead or gone, I will tell you my price.”
“I don’t think we have a choice, do we?” asked the headman.
“No!” laughed the warlock. “Do you accept my terms? If so, you must sign a contract with your blood!”
The headman did so and the warlock pointed to his apprentice. “Sid, here, will get rid of the Goblin for you.”
“He will?” gulped the headman.
“I will?” gulped Sid.
“He will!” said the warlock and that was that.
Poor Sid grasped his magic shoes, his magic spectacles and his magic game board and went to the village in search of the Death-Dealing Goblin of Derbyshire! He hoped when he got there that the Goblin would have gotten bored and left but no such luck.
He came upon the goblin picking his teeth (the goblin’s) and belching most foully. He had just eaten twelve cows and was feeling relaxed and sleepy.
“Ho, foul Goblin!” said Sid.
“Yeah, so?” responded the Goblin.
“Well, the villagers were wondering about the odds of you buggering off any time soon?”
“Such language!” protested Death.
“Just let him tell his story his way, dear,” urged Goldie.
“Thank you Goldie…anyway…”
The Goblin made a rude gesture at the apprentice to let him know that he wouldn’t be leaving any time soon.
“If you stay, I’ll make your life miserable,” warned the apprentice.
“You try me, and see what happen,” said the smug goblin.
Sid put on his magic specs and concentrated. Soon a blazing fireball leaped from the glasses and hurtled at the goblin. The goblin simply opened his massive jaws and swallowed the fireball!
“That’s pretty good,” admitted the apprentice respectfully.
“Fireballs good for tummy,” said the goblin patting his massive gut.
Sid took off his magic specs and put on his magic shoes.
“Feet, don’t fail me now!” he cried and he started to run around the goblin at supersonic speed. As he ran around the goblin, he pulled the air after him so that a tornado swallowed up the goblin, throwing him up in the air and dropping him into the middle of the river, Nymble.
The goblin came tramping back into the village where he bowed to the apprentice, “That good trick! You not half bad at magic.”
“Thank you,” said Sid politely. “Are you going to go now?”
“Me think not. Me toying with eating you instead!” The Goblin rushed at Sid and gripped him in his claws. Sid barely had time to cry out a slippery spell which made him so slick that he slipped right out the goblin’s claws with only minor scraping. He yelped with pain and ran at supersonic speed around the beastly goblin again, causing another tornado to dump it into the river again.
“Me starting to lose patience with this!” cried the goblin who rushed at Sid with mayhem in his bloodshot eyes. Sid realized that he could dump the goblin in the drink all day without dampening the creature’s bloodlust, so he turned to his magic game board.
“Knight to wizard’s pawn!” he yelled.
Immediately a huge, armour-plated warrior on a black stallion…
“It’s self indulgent to put yourself into the story!” chided Death.
“It’s rude to interrupt the story,” said Hoss (the hypocrite).
“Now, now…” tutted Goldie.
Anyway, the knight advanced on the goblin, lifted his sword and aimed a deadly blow just south of its hideous head. If it were not for the iron collar that the goblin wore, there surely would have been one less goblin in Derbyshire.
Howling furiously, the goblin adjusted his head, cracked his neck, flexed his shoulders and hurtled himself at the amazed knight.
“I say, old feller, can’t we discuss this?” asked the knight.
“Me doubt it!” cried the angry creature, eating both horse and rider in two large and messy gulps.
“Armor give me tummy-ache!” said the goblin, spitting it out and none too daintily either.
“Oh, oh…” said Sid, “Bishop to King’s knight!”
Immediately, a tall elderly man with a large metal cross advanced to Sid’s side.
“Look, I don’t know why you called me. I am a pacifist, you know!” said the bishop.
“Sorry, I panicked!”
“You should call the Queen, she has the most flexibility…”
“Yeah, good idea. Right! Queen to Bishop’s pawn!”
Out came the Queen, looking angry.
“I was just about to have my nails done! Do you know how long I had to wait to get an appointment at the day spa?” she said, wagging her finger in Sid’s face.
“Me waiting!” said the goblin.
“Sorry…” said Sid, “I’m working on it.”
“Call the King! He’s just in his counting house playing with his jewels!” said the Queen.
Sid summoned the King who as it happened was not in the mood for fighting. In exasperation, Sid dropped the game board in his bag of tricks and all of the game pieces (except for the remains of the Knight) disappeared.
“Back to me and you!” said the goblin.
“Well, it’s hardly a fair fight,” said Sid, “I mean, you hammered my knight, so what chance do I have?”
“That not the fighting spirit,” complained the goblin. “Kids today have to have life handed to them on silver platter.”
“Yeah, yeah…you’ve never had to draw water and chop wood for a warlock just so he can send you out against a fierce goblin. My life is plenty hard.”
“Me sorry…me not realize. This open up new train of thought for Goblin. Listen, you like killing people and eating animals?”
“Yeah, I guess so…”
“Maybe you want to be Goblin’s ‘prentice?”
“Uh…don’t I have to be a goblin too?”
“What? You think there a rulebook for goblins? That ludicrous!”
So Sid and the goblin went off arm in bandy arm and soon there were two death-dealing goblins in Derbyshire!

Goldie’s Story

“That has got to be the most amoral story I have ever had the displeasure to hear!” frowned Death.
“At least it wasn’t boring!” said Hoss.
“But Hoss, where is the moral of the story?” asked Goldie.
“The what?”
“You know, the life lesson? What we are supposed to learn from the story?”
“Learn from a story? Are you kidding me? Stories are supposed to be entertaining. The minute you paste a moral on, the story withers up and dies.”
“Hmm,” said Death and Goldie together, with pursed lips.(Do horses have lips?)
“Look Goldie, if you want a story with a moral maybe you should tell one!” said Hoss.
“Oh my, I don’t know any stories…”
“Oh come on, Goldie,” said Death, “You know lots of stories!”
“Hmmm, how about ‘Winning True Love’?”
“That doesn’t sound very promising…” moaned Hoss, fearing a serious plot-line.